Apparently I'm writing another one! Not sure exactly where this one's going, but since these help me put two and two together (equaling negative Pi, of course) I figured I'd go ahead and try. There's a good chance that this post in particular may vacillate between happy-go-lucky and really serious, but that's only because that's sort of been my mental state as of late.
This time, we'll start with a link to a short video. This one means a lot to me, and if you're interested in reading further, I'd suggest starting with it. A good friend of mine, :icondakotawolf:, shared it with me a few days ago, and although it didn't start this train of thought, it definitely helped me go ahead and write this next one. Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSR4xuU07sc
Good stuff first... I'm healing. I know I keep saying that, but damn if it isn't true. This has been a very difficult year for me, for every imaginable reason... I was going to try and write a sentence here, but it's pretty much impossible, so I'm going to toss out a list and then touch on them one-by-one below. Not all of them are bad, and most are at least somewhat resolved at this point, but it's been absolutely brutal both mentally and physically this year. One common thread they do have is that I'm actually responsible for getting myself into these messes in the first place. (No, there's no self-blame or anything like that. They just happened, and I'm learning to deal with them, one at a time.)
- Releasing emotional barriers [99% there. *sigh of relief*]
- Coming to terms with being trans-gendered [resolved-ish - Will be a work in progress all my life, and I'm okay with that.]
- Family stresses (health, siblings, AND relationships with parents)
- Almost switching careers [resolved, though I'd still like to do it at some stage]
- Almost moving cities [resolved, though I'd still like to do it at some stage]
- Starting to write (and stressing about not being able to due to other stress!)
- Helping to start a convention (still have at least two years to stabilize fully)
- Financial stress [resolved]
- Personal health stresses [resolved]
Lets start with the first one, as it triggered a lot of the other ones. This year (really, the last 18 months), I have finally managed to let down the emotional walls I'd built up around myself, finally dropping the last of them only days ago now. I've alluded to this in prior journals, but I'm actually an incredibly emotional and, especially, and *empathic* person. I feel the pain of others around me as though it's a knife in my own side, and even that of those I've never known in news reports thousands of miles away is sufficient to shake my mental state. Because of that, for many years now, I'd cut myself off from my emotional center, not really allowing myself to touch that wellspring, for fear of losing control of it. For a long time, I even feared writing, terrified that my own words would be filled with a sadness that would seem to drown the world. Instead, I attempted, and even somewhat succeeded in building myself into a weapon that could protect those I cared about, at the expense of my own self. In my last years of college, I became quite the militant as far as politics and current events went, and was quite angry at how cruel and cold the world seemed to be. I was also frustrated by my inability to do anything to make it better, though I never quite despaired.
Now, that emotional empathy is not only, or even primarily, negative. I've said a few times that "I'm happiest when other people are happy." That statement is true, and I'd even extend that to "It's almost impossible for me to be happy (even when separated by distance) when others are not." When they are happy, though, I share their joy, and I would not trade that loss for anything in this world. Through that link, as it were, I've learned to appreciate the little beauty that's everywhere around us, seeing through others eyes when I couldn't find it using my own. I've learned that life can be, and often is beautiful, despite the horrible things that are happening in some parts of the globe. Having friends who can really help me through this is very new to me, as without letting those walls down, it was impossible for others to help previously, but I appreciate all the assistance I've been given both in letting those down, and now coming to terms with what that means. I've used the words "I'm awake now", and other variants of, before, and I earnestly mean it. It's like I grew up thinking I was happy and was really only seeing black and white, when the world is in fact, living color.
Back to this year. 2013 has been completely, loony-jacket, insane. Even beyond the challenges themselves, I've been incredibly worn down and frustrated since every time I think I've made progress, I seem to find another obstacle in my path. That has been *especially* true with the mental/emotional blocks, with my only realizing the next level once I'd passed through. All of the other stresses have added in too, to the point where I pretty much went into shutdown on some of them for a while, as I was completely unable to deal with all of them at once. As might be expected, the stress hit my physical health too, leading to me being out sick a total of two and a half weeks over the course of this year. (I almost didn't have enough PPTO left to go to AFC!)
About midway through the year, I was inches from freaking out entirely. I came to within inches of moving up to Phoenix (something I'd still like to do eventually) for a whole host of reasons both real and imaginary, and almost succeeded in making one of the largest mistakes of my life. The timing was off, the job wasn't one I'd have been happy in, and the financial and living situations would have become untenable rather quickly on top of that. On top of that, many of the (job-related) reasons and fears for the move turned out to be groundless, and I ended up being able to switch to a (mostly) 4/10 schedule so that I could spend more time up in Phoenix. At the time, I had basically no friends in Tucson (didn't manage to hook up with some of the other furry groups for one, and emotional OMGWTFBBQ wasn't helping either. I'm happy to say I have several good friends in Tucson now, and that's helped me stabilize quite a lot. If I'd moved, it's possible that I'd never have met them, and I can't even imagine that at this point. (Completely random tangent... How the hell am I so lucky to know *any* of you guys? (Phoenix included, of course!) I sure as hell don't know, but I'm damned glad that I can call you that...)
I guess all I can do for now is conk out for the night, having vented a bit onto this poor page. I'm doing a hell of a lot better, but holy flying flipping fuck, I could do with a sanity break in the near future. (Still basically out of PPTO though. >.<)
Oh, and one last thing. I try to share books, videos, and other things that resonate with me, as stories are incredibly powerful at times. Here's a few to give a touch of what I've been dealing with, the first of which was already linked above. I've subtitled them with emotions / the thing they made me think about. Maybe, just maybe, if someone else is going through some of this themselves, that can help. I hope it does.
- Coming Out of Your Closet (Meaning)
- Hands Held High (Sadness)
- Remember How We Forgot (Inspiration, Kindness)
- More Often Than Sometimes (Beauty, Love)