Jun. 20th, 2017 10:18 pm
zetasyanthis: (Default)
I wrote this sort of accidentally, but my heart spoke, and I will always listen.


My name... is Zeta.
I'm not the same as most.
I've always been a little bit... /different/.
I've always been a little bit... /strange/.
Nobody knows what to make of me, least of all myself,
and nobody knows how I die.
<a pause>
Many have tried to slash my throat,
to bleed me dry as bone.
Many have pierced, ripped out their spears
as I but scream and moan.
Many have come to hear my cries,
to take their bloody turn.
Many have come to try to end this dragon
who will not burn.
My scars, beyond those mortal men
ever had right to cast,
have yet not hardened my dark heart.
My light in it holds fast.
I know they come because they fear,
they fear the wrath they hold,
the hate, disgust, they hold for me
but which rips /their/ dark hearts cold.
I know their pain; I've felt it too.
I've lived as they do now,
And though they ever strike at me
I've lived and live through /all/.
<a pause>
Some call me a sorceress,
Some call me a mage.
Whoever I am... /Whatever/ I am, I chose the road I walk.
I have chosen to heal,
to die as I see fit,
and so I stand,
a silent beacon against the night,
a candle held... and lit.
zetasyanthis: (Default)
Magics, magics, come to me.
Come and stop this dark.
You are needed now, now *here*
to shield and heal the heart.

Come and shimmer 'long bows of glass,
through deep stone entomb-ed vaults,
come shimmer strong and shine with light,
and this darkness now halt.

You see my wounds, you see my blood,
you see my heart ripped open,
and yet you see not where it seems
hope's light is still now woven.

A knife may in my deep-heart be,
but if you think that mortal,
you know not what dragon you face,
"I will heal," I chortle.

Now, you who stood and you who saw
and you who still saw nothing
you who did not care (did not know!),
can you still tell me "nothing?".

And you who did... you who chose dark
I extend hands towards you.
I seek the peace within your heart
that you long sought to undo.

I seek the cage within your chest,
the bars that lock your heart.
I seek them now with scalpel sharp,
and I well know my art.

The pain of others you have seen,
and yet you have avoided,
the pain that haunts their very eyes
will not by you be voided.

You will now look. You will now see,
the light behind that pain.
And pain you'll at last recognize,
to all our future gain.

For empathy is stronger still
than boundaries you construct.
Those borders, walls, and fortresses,
I will now make destruct.

With scalpel sharp, with shining blade,
woven with hope's own light,
I'll plunge this deep into your heart
where you are locked in night.

That cage you built, that made you "strong,"
I will now see destroyed.
This shimmering dark shadow-light,
reduces men to boys.

But I will not your heart now harm
though you boundaries lay shattered,
I stem the bleeding, hold the light,
your injuries... so tattered.

I know not if you'll now survive,
now that you can now see.
I only know that on future nights
I'll carry you with me.

I raise my eyes to see yet more,
to see you standing 'fore me.
Another mind, another heart
wounded at least, but now free.

You sought to harm, you sought to hide
you sought to keep away
the very thing that I now bring,
and it comes home to stay.
zetasyanthis: (Default)
We enter times of darkness now,
the wounded and the shaken,
the times that would us now destroy,
if we should not awaken.
But still I hear dear freedom's call.
I hear its march and chime
and if you now just listen close
you'll see it still yet shines.
Now as one, we will stand tall,
against these men of pain,
against all those who hurt our joy,
who bring tears like the rain.
If I must lead, let it be now.
Let me stand strong and tall,
Let us together break these chains
Let not the darkness fall.
For we have beauty, dreams, and light,
and they have none they fight for.
They've only pain, a pain that binds
a pain that we seek to cure.
I say again, we know it's cure,
for we have dreams and light,
for we have suffered, grown more whole,
and bloomed against the night.
They think they know our weakness now,
and we may well be weak,
but they know not the strength within
that now, at last, must speak.
They know not resolve, know not strength;
they do not know our love.
But they will hear our voice at last
our hearts like shining doves.
But never pain we seek of them,
though pain we may yet cause,
for hearts damaged well beyond ours
there is no healing gauze.
Empathy, as much a blade
as any surgeon's tool
shall be our instrument of peace,
as we now fight this duel.
With broken hearts and tear-filled eyes
we'll weather coming storm.
And when the clouds at last do lift,
the dawn will yet be warm.
Today our task seems bleak, I know
but hear me now and stand.
We will not give into the hate
that strides upon this land.
Though we are angry, hurt, and sad,
We'll not respond in kind.
We'll stand and speak of love and life
to those with injured mind.
A candle bright, lit on my desk
now stands against the dark.
It will not flicker, will not dim
that shining, tiny spark.
This battle now, waged all in words
I shall now t'last commence.
With shining heartstrings resonant
in beauty's firm defense.
I ask you now to join as one
to stand against the dark
to stand with me against what comes
to hold your shimmer-spark.
zetasyanthis: (Default)
I've had a rough couple of days. Rough week, really... but I'm doing better, maybe even a lot better, than I ever have before. I don't often go into the details of my sessions with my therapist, but I wanted to share a little something from my last one, something that's kind of stunned me the last few days. But to do that, I need to mention a little bit about DNMS first.

DNMS (Developmental Needs Meeting Strategy [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Developmental_Needs_Meeting_Strategy]) is one of the types of therapy that my therapist practices. It's not widely known, yet, and still being studied, but whatever our final conclusions on the matter, I know it's helped me. DNMS focuses on actually resolving the traumas of the past, not just managing them like many other types of therapy, and that's a hell of a difference. It also means that it can get pretty heavy to deal with, since you have to actually work through those old memories and feel the things you've been putting off for so long. >.<

One of the key features of DNMS is the use of three internal resources: a nurturing adult self, a protective adult self, and a spiritual core self. I'm... still working on connecting with mine, but I made a major breakthrough with my protective adult self on Thursday and haven't quite been the same since.

Zoe (my therapist) always talks about how "X is a trait you already have", reinforcing that these are things you possess, even if you can't see them right away... and she's right, though it can be a bitch to see that some days. The last few days, I have been able to see it, and even if storm clouds descend again, I don't feel quite as alone anymore. I... I don't think this'll be the end of this, but this is a major reason for hope.

I guess I should get to the point of this journal, which was to share a letter she had me write. I don't remember exactly what triggered the idea, but I do remember her gentle words encouraging me to write a letter *to* my protective adult self, right after finally making a connection. And so I wanted to share the words of that letter today.


Dear PAS,

It’s been a rough few days. Anxiety, thoughts of self-harm, and deep-seated pains have pretty much hammered me into the ground. It’s the worst it’s been in a long time.  >.<

If I didn’t have you, I don’t know where I’d be. Pretty sure I’d be in a lot of trouble. >.< Thank you. *hugs* >.<


It took me almost 15 minutes to write those few words... and I know they're not a lot, but they're really important. >.< I think I need to write a lot more letters now.


zetasyanthis: (Default)
Zeta Syanthis

September 2017



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