Tucson

Sep. 17th, 2017 02:33 pm
zetasyanthis: (Default)
I'm writing this as mostly a status update, or maybe just a prompt to get myself to write. Still, it feels good to share a little bit of the love I've felt this weekend.
 
I traveled to Tucson this weekend to see Dakota, and it was like she'd never left. Between her, the puppy, and the kitties, there was a constant presence of warm, soft love, and I find myself reaching for it now, even though I'm not even home yet. (I'm writing this while on layover in LAX.) It was a pretty special weekend, and I'm sad to be leaving it behind. I'm hopeful that there'll be more in the future, though, as good god do I love her so fucking much. >.<
 
Anyways (which seems a weird word to use, but I need something to shift topics with), I finally finished the His Dark Materials trilogy this weekend. Really weird series, but I really liked it, even though I was super confused at the time. I don't know what to make of it, but I guess it was something, because I cried like hell at the end of all three books. >.< I think I need some time to let that one sit, and then maybe one day I'll be strong enough to read it again. (It cracked something deep inside.)
 
But yeah... love and heartbreak and holding someone you love, walking away again and crying and wishing and crying into a pillow... Those are what makes us real, and what makes life worth living. And I love you, Dakota. I love you so damned much.
 
I don't really know where I was going with this one, so I suppose I'll just end here. No idea if I meant to put something else in, but this seems okay for now. And maybe it is okay.
 
I love you, spazz, with every bit of me.

Zeta

Jun. 20th, 2017 10:18 pm
zetasyanthis: (Default)
I wrote this sort of accidentally, but my heart spoke, and I will always listen.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



My name... is Zeta.
I'm not the same as most.
I've always been a little bit... /different/.
I've always been a little bit... /strange/.
Nobody knows what to make of me, least of all myself,
and nobody knows how I die.
 
<a pause>
 
Many have tried to slash my throat,
to bleed me dry as bone.
 
Many have pierced, ripped out their spears
as I but scream and moan.
 
Many have come to hear my cries,
to take their bloody turn.
 
Many have come to try to end this dragon
who will not burn.
 
My scars, beyond those mortal men
ever had right to cast,
have yet not hardened my dark heart.
My light in it holds fast.
 
I know they come because they fear,
they fear the wrath they hold,
the hate, disgust, they hold for me
but which rips /their/ dark hearts cold.
 
I know their pain; I've felt it too.
I've lived as they do now,
And though they ever strike at me
I've lived and live through /all/.
 
<a pause>
 
Some call me a sorceress,
Some call me a mage.
Whoever I am... /Whatever/ I am, I chose the road I walk.
 
I have chosen to heal,
to die as I see fit,
and so I stand,
a silent beacon against the night,
a candle held... and lit.
 
<fin>

Nightmare

Dec. 8th, 2016 12:25 am
zetasyanthis: (Default)
I promised myself I'd write this today, and having failed to do so so far, I just remembered right before going to bed.

I had a hell of a nightmare this morning, and I think I need to write it down.

I can't remember exactly why, but I apparently travelled home to may parent's house for the holidays, staying in my old room, or maybe my brother's. My parents were not open-minded. The whole situation was *extremely* tense, with awkward non-acknowledgements, tense dinner situations, and everything just as miserable as I remember it. I was absolutely terrified the entire time, freaking out about why I'd come, why I'd stayed there of all places, and what I could do to escape. I'd do anything to escape.

I remember my father raging, his hands trembling as he forcefully ate, as though the steak in front of him was the cause of his offense... as though if he buried himself in it enough, I wouldn't be there anymore. I remember that fear. That same scene played out the night I told him, the night I ran, virtually in terror, from his car back to my room. I remember my heart pounding as I slammed the deadbolt, his imagined footsteps in my heart. I remember crying. >.<

If you ever have any children of your own, please... please love them. >.< And be gentle in that love. >.<
zetasyanthis: (Default)
Hi there! You don't remember me, but you might remember little Suki from all those years ago (2011). She and I have moved all the way to California since the last time you saw her, and she couldn't be doing better. On top of that, I've come out as transgender, and have changed my name, though she's still kept hers. :)

I still remember the day I adopted her, how she fell asleep in my arms as I stood around for nearly an hour until I realized she was coming home with me. I still remember how protective you guys were of her. (When I tell friends the story, I liken it to someone threatening to take out my kneecaps. :P)

Just wanted you to know she's doing well, and purring away. She's gotten even sweeter than she was, if you can believe it. I don't know how such a small creature can have so much love in her, but you should know that I reply in kind, daily. There's a good chance this little one saved my life, and I wanted you to know that. Depression and anxiety have been pretty hard on me the last couple years, but she's been there, with her soft little purrs and even softer touches.

Enclosed is a relatively small contribution, on account of an unfortunate spate of medical bills this last year. I hope you guys keep up the good work, and know you helped save more than just a kitty.

Much love,
Zeta and Suki

Broken

Sep. 25th, 2016 04:26 pm
zetasyanthis: (Default)
For Makyo.

Today my heart broke for a friend
for one I care for deeply
one who struggles with bitter curse
one that would end her cheaply.

My heart, thus broken, sang and wept
for deep depression's mire
for manic impulse, shattered mind,
that seeks the garrote wire.

But this I know, and this I seek
the heart behind the pain,
that brilliant shining wondrous light
that crystal without stain.

For in her heart, and in her mind
there lives a greater beauty
than all the world itself yet knows
though her pain keens acutely.

I know not future, know not past,
yet this, at last I know.
This fox with shining purple hair,
she must not ever go.

For in this world there are too few
too few hearts yet so fine
and it would break my heart and yours
if hers no longer shined. >.<
zetasyanthis: (Default)
With broken hearts we hold the line
With broken hearts we tremble
With broken hearts and broken minds
we shall forev'r assemble.

That hateful deed,
the blood thus spilled,
in name of rage and hate,
it shall not be forgotten
and time will make us great.

And though we stagger
and though we fall
and though with bright blood flashing
the hearts of those we leave behind
another world will fash'n.

No longer quiet, no longer mild,
their anger and their sadness,
will change the world we left for good.
Their love will halt this madness.

The fight for peace,
the fight for love,
the fight for understanding,
these are the things we wept and cried
and now have died for, dancing.

Though we now rest,
you must fight on;
you must not let them break you.
Rebuild the world we left behind
and make us proud; we love you.
zetasyanthis: (Default)
It's been a week. Boy, has it been a week. Anxiety about my appointment on Thursday wrecked the hell out of me pretty much all of it (and I probably underestimated its impact the previous week in Memphis...), but I'm here now.

I'm really here.

I started hormones on Thursday.

I still can't believe it.

I can't believe it's real.

But it is. And I have never been so happy.

I don't know how long it takes to have a significant impact on mental state, but I have had two amazing days since then. I know it's probably a combination of placebo effect and relief from finally getting what I desperately need, but I don't care. I just cry for happiness.

There's a long road to go, but I've finally started walking it. And I could not have done it without the support of so many. >.< Dakota, Solei, M, Kori, Metonymy, Kawaburd, Resolute, Zanz, Moonstar, Occam, Monophylos, OftheWilds, Alice, more... So many I can't even remember. And artists too, from the furries who first got me to wonder about my gender, to the stories and webcomics that broke my heart... You have all mattered. And you have saved a life, whether you know it, or whether you don't.

There are not enough thanks in the universe for the support you have given me, no treasure in brilliant sun large enough to repay the debt I owe. All I can do is honor you... by moving forward and becoming who I was meant to be. I hope I make you proud.

Yesterday, M told me, "Welcome to the sisterhood." *I* have never been so proud. <3

IMG_20160515_133615
My flag. <3
zetasyanthis: (Default)
I've had a hell of a lot of depressing journals as of late, and since I'm having a really good day, I think it's probably important that I take a moment to be present with that and acknowledge the progress that I have made. Important too is acknowledging those of you who have helped me make it as far as I have.

----------------------------------------

I am lucky to be here at all. ...and I don't know how the hell I made it this far. The more I learn about where I'm at now, the more I can recognize that my brain has been genuinely trying to kill me for longer than I can even remember. The pain that shines through my journals isn't even the half of it, as I keep finding more and more every time I dig into another layer. And yeah... just like you'd expect, the deeper you delve, the darker it gets. And it's getting pretty dark. :S

I wrote on Twitter yesterday that, "I'm pretty sure anxiety has driven almost every major decision I have made in my life." And the more I think about it, the more devastatingly true that statement is. They're not *all* like that, but everything from schools to careers, and yes, even founding a convention was been driven first and foremost by anxiety. And I didn't even know it... I convinced myself my choices were driven by something else because I had no word for what I was experiencing. I have that word now, and it's good that I can see that, I guess... but it still hurts to even look. >.<

Quick note: I'm not suggesting that all the choices were bad ones, just that the reasoning I convinced myself to believe was not the actual reason. Some ended up working out very well, but it still hurts to know how crippled those choices really were.

With that recognition comes an added burden, which is just straight-up not knowing how to function without anxiety as a primary driver. No, it's not gone (or even more than dented), but trying to wrap my mind around the concept of making choices without that pressure is like asking my to draw a 5-dimensional object. It's frighteningly complex, and very, very alien.

And so we come to a request... If you're a friend to me, and you see anxiety driving something I'm doing, can you try to tell me? I know that's asking a lot, especially since I have a suspicion that I'm not going to end up handling that that well... but I could really use the help. >.< It's not an exaggeration to say that if anxiety is making the decision, I am not.

----------------------------------------

Back to progress...

How to describe this... Though it's still marginal, anxiety eating the vast majority of my mental energy, I *have* been having more safe time than ever before. Gentle evenings spent with Dakota have done their part, as have dinners with friends (Goldkin) and other loved ones (Solei). Even some silly mid-rain car maintenance had its part this week, and I am thankful for all of it. <3 So many amazing moments together have made this week a wonder in my eyes, and I am so damned lucky to have all of you.

Really quick, though, I have to highlight one thing this week that led up to today, though. He's a little red and gold dragon that now shares my bed. His tag says 'Legend', and the little runt looks adorably grumpy from one angle, and really happy from another. (No wonder cats and dragons seem related! XD) Safety tokens have great importance to me, as I have so few of them... and that one really meant a lot. Thank you, Solei.

So what have I learned from all of this?

I'm learning is that my default state, sans anxiety, is love. And I *could* *not* be happier with that answer. <3 It is an answer I have dreamed of my entire life, a nightmare and a hope that I could not bear... I can now. Because I am no longer alone... and never will be again.

And so this morning... I put my collar on. For the first time since December I am whole again. So powerful was that moment that it felt as though the leather had bonded with my skin... and in that heartbeat, I felt scales.

My name is Zeta Syanthis, and I come back to you now... at the turn of the tide.

On Love

Dec. 27th, 2015 07:22 pm
zetasyanthis: (Default)
So... This should hopefully be a bit lighter than some of my journals as of late, though it's still pretty heavy and emotional.  In a way, I'm writing this to kind of confess something that I've always known, but have had absolutely no idea how to deal with. (Bonus points: It is one of the chief causes of my anxiety.)

I have problems with emotional connection.

I don't have a problem *making* connections. I have a problem with *not* making them. There's a whole ton of ways I think about it, from having too much love (an introject response), to just not knowing how to maintain boundaries. (Even the second one doesn't ring completely true, though, because I can set up and maintain them for certain things, and they can be ultra-strong at times. I just don't have the mental energy to maintain them over the long term... or maybe, I'm fooling myself and don't really have them in the first place. (Hint: It's the latter.))

So let's talk about the "too much love" angle. Clearly, there's no such thing, despite what my brain might tell me. However, this thing (I don't know what the hell to call it) has some ramifications. The first how I make emotional connections, and the second is how deep those go.

I have a really funny(?) (I think/hope?) (from an outside perspective) way of making friends. I kind of run into someone I like, and then just start treating them as a friend, usually resulting in them going "Huh, this person is a little bit odd. I guess it's not hurting anything though." (Hands up if I've done this to you!) Usually that's accompanied by the other person acknowledging me as an acquaintance and shrugging it off. Over time, though, a friendship just kind of happens, often surprising the other person quite a bit. The simple act of treating someone as a friend causes a friendship to grow, even if it doesn't have a label. The thing that throws people for a hell of a loop is that I don't actually have a goal in this. Nothing is ever expected from my side. It's simply a "I'm going to treat you as a friend unless you give me a reason not to." If you never feel the same way, I will probably be slightly sad, but I'm just kind of like that.

Those same friendships can deepen over time, though typically they won't without acknowledgement and acceptance from the other person involved. A lack of serious bond response from the other person might mean some slight heart-ache, depending, but if there is a response, that bond grows incredibly quickly. I suppose I should try to describe how this makes sense to me, but it might be slightly mind-boggling or incomprehensible, depending on how you form bonds...

Here's the truth.

I love *everyone*. I see the beauty in everyone's heart, as well as the potential that that beauty brings to the world. I even see it when people can't see it themselves (a discordance that is honestly one of the worst feelings in the world). When I look at you, I see you, the person, not the skin, not the gender... the whole. Each and every one of you is beautiful and amazing beyond your wildest dreams... and I see all of it.

As a result of this, the only way for me to maintain a level of emotional separation is distance. Physical separation keeps those bonds from growing too deep, too quickly, and (so my introject would have me believe) causing all kinds of havoc. If you've seen me flit close and then disappear, it's because of this, not because of anything you have done... especially since I've been afraid. I buried this deep, because my emotional core didn't fit with how the world said I should be. That said... I don't want to be afraid anymore, but I fear this will be my hardest lesson. I don't even know what the lesson to be learned is, but I fear it all the same. :S

On a scale of emotional connection from 0-10, I have zero through two, and then eleven. I could spend an afternoon with you and we could fall in love for a lifetime. I have done *exactly* that, and it scared me so deeply I had panic attacks for weeks, thinking I had destroyed an existing relationship in the process. (Luckily, I'm dating one of the most forgiving and generous-with-her-heart dragons on the planet, else things would have gone really badly. >.<)

In summary... I don't know where I'm going with this either. I am really sick of being afraid of my own heart, my own nature, my own music, but I am terrified to let it loose. The only boundary I've ever really held is not letting that fear go, but there's a big damned crack in that armor now. Part of me finally knows it isn't a bad thing. Here's the thing... Boundaries just kind of dissolve around me. Just like in the friendships above, the fact that they're weakening is not noticed until they're suddenly gone. And... this one is trying to, even as I write this.

My heart, my magic, my music, doesn't know how to say no, and maybe it shouldn't have to. It's wild, it's free, and it's caged. >.<
zetasyanthis: (Default)
Another update... I'm still not handling this very well, though I'm learning.

I ended up getting home at about 8:45 yesterday. I kind of saw time passing at work, but was working on something that I felt was important enough to justify staying a bit late. We had had another outage due to a major infrastructure failure on Thursday, with a secondary infrastructure failure ongoing, and I tried to stay and get the replacement / backup system into test over the weekend. Why?  Well, I don't enjoy having to answer questions from the CIO of the company that owns our company, my boss's boss's boss's boss's boss, etc... It's not my fault the bloody thing isn't here and running yet, but I do seem to be one of only four people at the entire company that are capable of handling this for some reason... </rant>

Anyways...

This week has been really really stressful. It's not been a lot of hours, but a hell of a lot of noise, emergencies, and meetings, all of which don't really go well with an introverted personality. I came back home yesterday so overloaded that I had to just sit in my room in the dark for two hours before I could handle any kind of stimulus at all. Moving, talking to Dakota was too much. Hell, snuggling with my kitty was actually too much input to handle. I was shaken and emotionally wiped.

There is, however, good news on the horizon.

1. I've not gotten any evening calls this week. Actual work hours have trended back towards a normal 40/week for the most part.
2. I made a very important realization yesterday. Occasionally, I just kinda have these realizations pop into my head, and this one was about my motivations and why I seem to care more than a lot of other people.

So let's talk about #2. I think it's because of love. I don't know if I have an excess of it, or if others just can't always touch it in the same way, but it's part of everything I do. I'm a healer, whether it be people, animals, or even electronics. I see things that are broken and I can't help but try to make things better. I've gotten burned by it a few times, because I refuse to stop caring in spite of, well, anything. Despite that though, I think I'm working on burning myself out right now, so I'm going to start managing what energy I have a lot more pro-actively. I know we have emergencies at work, but dealing with them is killing me at home, and that is going to stop. It's going to stop *now*. There are too many other things that matter way more. Work is just so I can have a roof. I need to start treating it that way.
zetasyanthis: (Default)
Though this journal won't go into all the details of how and why (that comes later), for now, I'll say this.

I am happy.  I am a dragon.  I love.  I don't always know what I'm doing, and sometimes I'm still afraid..  But in spite of that, I seem to have found someone to share and explore everything beautiful about this world with.  This one's for you, Dakotawolf!

On a sidenote, a while ago, she jokingly asked for a poem.  She got half of one, as one day I went to write a journal about pain and compassion and love for another, but couldn't help see her in those unexpected words as well. https://www.furaffinity.net/view/12329060/

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Zeta Syanthis

September 2017

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