Zeta Syanthis (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
zetasyanthis) wrote2016-02-06 04:44 pm
zetasyanthis) wrote2016-02-06 04:44 pm
Entry tags:
Family Status Update
I guess I'm writing a status update?
Basically, I don't know how to find peace with this, and I really, really need it.
Needs:
1. I can't sit around like this forever not knowing what to do about it. I need closure.
2. I need their presence in my life dramatically reduced, if not eliminated.
What are the options?
1. Let it drift without doing anything.
- See need 1 above.
2. Just cut off communication, declare them effectively dead.
- Likely to result in a flurry of contact attempts, and pissing off my sisters.
3. Break of the relationship officially, but without a real explanation.
- I don't trust my ability to not be pushed into explaining.
4. Break of the relationship officially, with explanation.
- I don't have the energy to properly communicate with them about this.
- Could I try to summon it? What happened last time I did?
- Don't be an idiot, self. Don't open and be vulnerable with them again. That ended really fucking badly last time.
5. Talk to my sisters and explain the situation, ask for advice.
- They may not understand. Even if they do, this is really heavy duty.
How do I feel about them?
1. Brother
- Not safe to have a relationship with. Can be distant (indirect) contact as he is now, but that's about it.
2. Dad
- Very depressed just thinking about him. Nothing I can do to help.
- Am I even willing to try at this point? No. I HAVE to self-protect here. Realistically, I can't help, and even trying will hurt me whether I want to help or not. (Note: I'm enmeshed, and so part of me really wants to even though it would destroy me. Boundaries... ouch.)
- Therapy is a per-requisite to having any kind of relationship.
3. Mom
- I'm very angry with her. That toxicity growing up really fucking wrecked me, and I don't know how to explain that. Trying will only cause more harm on both sides.
- Reminder to self: She doesn't want to understand and won't put in the effort! She won't! You've tried for 10 fucking years!
Decision Timelines
1. Communication
- My birthday
- Their birthdays and holidays. (They won't forgive me missing them.)
3. HRT start and effects
4. Name change
Do I feel safe doing X?
1. Sharing my new name and identity? No. I wish I hadn't given her my new first name. (See boundary issues!)
2. Traveling home and staying in the house. No.
3. Traveling home and being in conversation for any significant duration. No.
4. Traveling home and seeing for lunch. I don't really want to. Not sure if it's safety though. I just don't want to see them.
5. Talking on the phone. Not really?
6. Inviting to a therapy session in San Jose. I could force myself, but I would be messed up the entire time either of them was in CA.
I guess that means we're done? :S
Why can't I close the door then? :S
Basically, I don't know how to find peace with this, and I really, really need it.
Needs:
1. I can't sit around like this forever not knowing what to do about it. I need closure.
2. I need their presence in my life dramatically reduced, if not eliminated.
What are the options?
1. Let it drift without doing anything.
- See need 1 above.
2. Just cut off communication, declare them effectively dead.
- Likely to result in a flurry of contact attempts, and pissing off my sisters.
3. Break of the relationship officially, but without a real explanation.
- I don't trust my ability to not be pushed into explaining.
4. Break of the relationship officially, with explanation.
- I don't have the energy to properly communicate with them about this.
- Could I try to summon it? What happened last time I did?
- Don't be an idiot, self. Don't open and be vulnerable with them again. That ended really fucking badly last time.
5. Talk to my sisters and explain the situation, ask for advice.
- They may not understand. Even if they do, this is really heavy duty.
How do I feel about them?
1. Brother
- Not safe to have a relationship with. Can be distant (indirect) contact as he is now, but that's about it.
2. Dad
- Very depressed just thinking about him. Nothing I can do to help.
- Am I even willing to try at this point? No. I HAVE to self-protect here. Realistically, I can't help, and even trying will hurt me whether I want to help or not. (Note: I'm enmeshed, and so part of me really wants to even though it would destroy me. Boundaries... ouch.)
- Therapy is a per-requisite to having any kind of relationship.
3. Mom
- I'm very angry with her. That toxicity growing up really fucking wrecked me, and I don't know how to explain that. Trying will only cause more harm on both sides.
- Reminder to self: She doesn't want to understand and won't put in the effort! She won't! You've tried for 10 fucking years!
Decision Timelines
1. Communication
- My birthday
- Their birthdays and holidays. (They won't forgive me missing them.)
3. HRT start and effects
4. Name change
Do I feel safe doing X?
1. Sharing my new name and identity? No. I wish I hadn't given her my new first name. (See boundary issues!)
2. Traveling home and staying in the house. No.
3. Traveling home and being in conversation for any significant duration. No.
4. Traveling home and seeing for lunch. I don't really want to. Not sure if it's safety though. I just don't want to see them.
5. Talking on the phone. Not really?
6. Inviting to a therapy session in San Jose. I could force myself, but I would be messed up the entire time either of them was in CA.
I guess that means we're done? :S
Why can't I close the door then? :S