This isn't the final entry in the touchy-feely saga, but it may be a holding point for now. We'll get to why, and to what in a bit, but I just want to say thank you to anyone who played a part in this. A lot of you may not think you did much of anything, but it turns out that simply being there can help more than you can know at times. We've a couple of big news items to go through, so let's begin...
As those who have been reading this blog know, I've had a bit of a rough year. What some of you may not know is exactly how stressful it was. Between work stress, family stress, and especially mental gymnastics related to my transgender issues, I've only narrowly avoided a full nervous breakdown close to half-a-dozen times, something I do not care to repeat for quite a while. Thankfully, this year is now past, and I am in a much better place than I have been, probably ever in my life. This journal, and the ones that have come before, documents the path I have taken, and though it might ramble and get off track a bit at times, it only did so because my journey did so as well.
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On to the bombshells...
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Yesterday I came out as having transgender issues to my mom, and she accepted me for them. That conversation was probably the single most dreaded collection of words I had ever imagined, and I had no idea how it was going to go. Before this year, she'd never heard of furries, never imagined her son might be bisexual, and certainly hardly knew anything about transgender issues to begin with. Hell, before the last 24 or so months, I hadn't sorted enough of this mess out to be able to talk about it in the first place, let alone have the words to explain it to someone for whom these words were almost alien concepts. I've fought and dealt and hidden this for the best part of 14 years now, and to have it in the open and be able to be comfortable talking about it is nothing short of amazing. Why did I tell her?...
... because she needed to know. My mom and I had grown apart due to a trust breakdown, created by differing religious, political, and societal views. None of them really matter in a healthy relationship, but when you have the triple furry/bi/trans bombs to drop, being on the opposite side of someone's conservative viewpoints makes it really hard to talk about. And so the trust breakdown began. Last year it came to a head a few times, with my passing on a *fully paid* trip to Italy and almost leaving early last Christmas. Neither of those times were intended to shield me, but rather my mom from my own differences. Somehow, though, we've worked past a few things this year, sometimes aided by the 1700 mile distance between us when we couldn't handle much more for a while.
For a long time, she had a view of me that was basically as I grew up, a view where I was essentially the golden kid in the family, never getting into trouble or straying too far from the path that was expected of me. I have myself to blame on a lot of that, because I was never comfortable talking about it until now. It's at this point I have to once again point at :icondakotawolf: as having helped, giving me guidance and support even yesterday, when I wasn't sure if I could do it. I wish I'd been ready years ago, but sometimes things take a while, and this one certainly did. I'm happy to say that my mom is okay with it, as long as I'm healthy and stable, and pending my making damned sure I have support if any when I need it. Because of the awesomeness of every last one of you, and especially the aforementioned wolf-butt, I don't think she, or I have any need to worry on that front. :)
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Now... On to Dakotawolf! This one's a bit of a story too, but it's certainly easier to tell than the one I already have. A lot brighter and happier too. ^^
I've known Dakota for a bit over a year at this point, originally meeting her through :icondopr5:. We can't remember exactly which came first, whether it was a Tucson camping meet, or a group of us crashing at her place after trying to drive from Denver to Tucson in a single night (haha, bad idea!). Whatever the case, she was awesome, is awesome, and apparently, stole my heart somewhere along the way. :)
I'm not going to rehash all my prior journals, but I will make a note of how all this started here. From my realization of loneliniess to searching out and finding new friends, this has been a transformative 18 months or so, and though Dakota wasn't the first I encountered, she never feared to ask me questions of myself. Even when I was hella-uncomfortable, I encouraged her to do so, and she did. Sometimes she didn't get an answer right away "It's complicated" being a favorite dodge/"I don't know yet" response of mine, but those questions (and those of others) did set the wheels turning on the journey I have now undertaken. I didn't always have the words to put to my thoughts on a lot of this, in some cases simply not knowing the vocabulary that would allow myself to think along the right lines, but now I do.
Dakota, like myself, has had a pretty rough year at times. (Quick note: I mention these things only to set context. Dakota may or may not speak to them on her own if and when she's ready to do so.) From a breakup that threatened to turn nasty (confined living conditions can be a pressure cooker >.<), to losing a job and being unable to fully support herself, and finally, to almost moving back to family in California earlier this year, it's been fairly brutal for her as well. I'm sad to say that I wasn't able to be there for all of it, but I did manage to be there for some of it, including the Tuesday before her move-out deadline, when a few friends came together to wish her farewell. I drove up from Tucson that night after work, booking it up and back to say goodbye, and feeling a bit awkward the entire time for a reason I couldn't quite put my finger on. On the way home, it hit me like a ton of bricks, almost forcing me to pull of the highway. I cared for her, and a hell of a lot more than I'd admitted that night, to either myself, or to her. As I drove home that night, I knew I had lost someone truly special, and I wasn't sure what the hell to do. Thoughts raced of making it to FC early next year and trying to build up something, but I made it home, sort of collapsing under the weight of emotional exhaustion.
From that day on, I resolved to be a better friend, one who would be there when she needed me. I knew she didn't need any more pressure at the time, so I just tried to be present, a supporting force to catch her a bit when she stumbled. And stumble she did, more than a few times before the year was out... Stress led to pain and urgent care visits, luckily resulting in nothing major in the end, but life never quite let up. Even when I finally admitted to having feelings for her, it was tough, her job and financial stresses bringing her to the brink of tears more often than not. And though I live in Tucson, I'm still lucky enough to have a job where I can drop things once in a while and make the run up. During those trips, and that support, I realized something I'd known all along.
Though the support was helpful, she *was* strong enough to do it on her own. She doesn't realize it all the time, but she is. There's a reason I fell in love with you, :icondakotawolf:. You're amazing, and just thinking about you can make me cry for joy.
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