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Off the heels of that last positive journal, I'm afraid I've got to write a not so pleasant one.
In the last few weeks, I've spent a lot of time thinking about my family, primarily my mom and dad, trying to figure out exactly *what* I feel towards them at this point... I've had a hell of a time connecting with the primary emotion that I feel towards them at this point, and I guess I've figured out why.
That emotion, as you might have guessed by now, is fear... fear of judgment, of rage, and of not ever being what either would want me to be. Fear is what's keeping me from calling them, day after day. It's why I blocked their phone numbers, even as my birthday passed earlier this month. And it's why I can never go back to that place again. Far too much damage has been done, and no explanation I could ever offer would make them understand the pain they caused. There is nothing left there but sadness.
I loved them once. Trusted them, as a child does, to guide me and set me on a path that would hold beneath my feet, trusted them... to catch me if I faltered. I will not say they never did, only that I cannot remember it. I will not say they did not try, either. I have not forgotten those months spent searching in vain for a cure, none of us realizing they had likely caused it in the first place. For that is what I am realizing. My anxiety stems from them, and from the fear of discovery that destroyed me for longer than I have ever acknowledged.
I know they supported me as best they could, and that in the logical ways, the financial ways, they did. In those ways, I had much more than most. But they failed... badly. Emotionally, they destroyed me, without ever realizing what they were doing. And I was a kid. What did I know? I thought I was lucky to have them, and their love.
From this, I may have learned the greatest tragedy in the universe. Love doesn't mean that you aren't hurting someone. It doesn't mean that your judgment of what's right is right for them, or that they'd be happier if they gave in, even if you have to manipulate them to get them to go along. And it certainly doesn't mean bringing them up in a faith that teaches them they are broken from the outset, and can never be fully healed.
I wonder now what might have been, if I had given signs. Almost all the way through college, I never once strayed from the rails, or gave them cause to question. I do not know what they would have done had they known. The only reactions I can remember were those involving money, because that is apparently how my family speaks. Step out of line, and tuition is threatened, or removal from a will. Bonding moments, likewise, involve needlessly expensive trips and restaurants, gifts speaking where words ought to be.
And so I set my own path, away from that which has come before. I cannot bear to continue on my current one, because it is not safe. Grief, a keening that drowns the world and shakes the very foundation of life itself, is now upon me. But I can do no else. I cannot let them hurt me again.
One final word on religion, and on spirituality. I will never be Catholic, or Jewish, or any faith that now walks this earth. Judgment, shame, and control have no place in my heart, and they never will.
A very wise man once said that "Love is a vulnerability, but not a weakness."
I would be vulnerable again.
In the last few weeks, I've spent a lot of time thinking about my family, primarily my mom and dad, trying to figure out exactly *what* I feel towards them at this point... I've had a hell of a time connecting with the primary emotion that I feel towards them at this point, and I guess I've figured out why.
That emotion, as you might have guessed by now, is fear... fear of judgment, of rage, and of not ever being what either would want me to be. Fear is what's keeping me from calling them, day after day. It's why I blocked their phone numbers, even as my birthday passed earlier this month. And it's why I can never go back to that place again. Far too much damage has been done, and no explanation I could ever offer would make them understand the pain they caused. There is nothing left there but sadness.
I loved them once. Trusted them, as a child does, to guide me and set me on a path that would hold beneath my feet, trusted them... to catch me if I faltered. I will not say they never did, only that I cannot remember it. I will not say they did not try, either. I have not forgotten those months spent searching in vain for a cure, none of us realizing they had likely caused it in the first place. For that is what I am realizing. My anxiety stems from them, and from the fear of discovery that destroyed me for longer than I have ever acknowledged.
I know they supported me as best they could, and that in the logical ways, the financial ways, they did. In those ways, I had much more than most. But they failed... badly. Emotionally, they destroyed me, without ever realizing what they were doing. And I was a kid. What did I know? I thought I was lucky to have them, and their love.
From this, I may have learned the greatest tragedy in the universe. Love doesn't mean that you aren't hurting someone. It doesn't mean that your judgment of what's right is right for them, or that they'd be happier if they gave in, even if you have to manipulate them to get them to go along. And it certainly doesn't mean bringing them up in a faith that teaches them they are broken from the outset, and can never be fully healed.
I wonder now what might have been, if I had given signs. Almost all the way through college, I never once strayed from the rails, or gave them cause to question. I do not know what they would have done had they known. The only reactions I can remember were those involving money, because that is apparently how my family speaks. Step out of line, and tuition is threatened, or removal from a will. Bonding moments, likewise, involve needlessly expensive trips and restaurants, gifts speaking where words ought to be.
And so I set my own path, away from that which has come before. I cannot bear to continue on my current one, because it is not safe. Grief, a keening that drowns the world and shakes the very foundation of life itself, is now upon me. But I can do no else. I cannot let them hurt me again.
One final word on religion, and on spirituality. I will never be Catholic, or Jewish, or any faith that now walks this earth. Judgment, shame, and control have no place in my heart, and they never will.
A very wise man once said that "Love is a vulnerability, but not a weakness."
I would be vulnerable again.
no subject
Date: 2016-02-23 08:24 am (UTC)From:Misplaced love, channeled all into money and technical details. Judgement against others, and constant pressure to fit a certain mold, though mine was backed by a grandparent trying to live an idealized life through me, regardless of what I myself wanted.
The tuition bullshit, expensive restaurants, gifts, and yet no real connection. If anything I was mocked and occasionally outright yelled at for being asocial, especially when depression was at the heart of it.
And at the end, the same fears. My blood doesn't know any of the reasons why I refuse contact, and I'm not willing to endure that confrontation. If I ever saw them I think it'd set off a full panic attack, even when I seem easygoing and fully in control of myself.
The way I feel, it's well worth it to be vulnerable, but once you've the choice, important to be wise. If only pain and turmoil await you, find love elsewhere. Don't just happily jump into the pit of spikes. You deserve better, and I can tell by the circles you keep that you're finding better.
no subject
Date: 2016-03-07 12:39 am (UTC)From:I honestly don't know if I've even processed enough of my anxiety and the causes thereof to have a panic attack around them. I'm still pretty dysfunctional as far as actually reacting in the ways that actually make sense for a given situation. :/ Either way, I'm not going near that again. There's just way too much pain and damage.
And I see that word you used. And I respect and return it, fully. <3
no subject
Date: 2016-02-23 03:16 pm (UTC)From:If love were presented like a material possession that could be given and taken away, one might grow up believing that love were a fickle thing; that unconditional love couldn’t possibly exist.
You have emerged from the shell you were taught to build but never fit.
You have become something greater than the sum of their best intentions; something so beautiful and radiant that they lack the words even to describe it. Their instincts are to reject it. It is a basic human instinct to fear that which we do not understand.
You, Zeta Syanthis, are a being of light and love, who is not afraid to bear her heart to those who would threaten to destroy it. In the face of rejection from those who are meant to love unconditionally, you have stood firm in your dedication to that for which you stand- and despite your best efforts, your parents have not found a way to accept you.
Your parents do not understand the message they have sent to you. They lack the self awareness and understanding to even comprehend that they’ve hurt you.
They have done their best to help you, but if all they can do is cause you pain, and there’s nothing you can do to help them... it’s time to move on. Even if they never understand why.
You’re not alone without them. Someone as radiant and compassionate as you never truly is.
no subject
Date: 2016-03-07 12:43 am (UTC)From:Thank you so much for your words, and your love. <3 In truth, I don't know that I'd be able to do this without you, however strong I may appear. For a long time I had unhealthily convinced myself that I didn't have limits, but I definitely do. :/
I'm hoping that this is the start of a serious recovery, but I know I have a lot further to go. With Dakota, with yourself, and with the support of so many others, I have a chance. And that's all I can really ask for.