Ramblings of a Transgirl

This is a list of mental health resources, listed by location. Please please please please use them if you are in need and they can help. This stuff builds up over time and getting help sooner can help prevent something becoming more acute.

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United States Resources

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Suicide Hotline (988, in the United States)

I have personally called the Suicide Hotline, and they helped stabilize me long enough to get me to further care. If you need someone to help you, they're the ones, though Trans Lifeline and Trevor Project below, may be able to offer better specialized assistance.

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Trans Lifeline (1-877-565-8860)

The trans lifeline can help you reach resources you need to get the care and support you need in a world that can be pretty dark. They can help very similarly to the Suicide Hotline if you need it, or help with less severe needs as required. That said, they're a much smaller organization, and might not always be available. Please call the Suicide Hotline if you need to and they aren't answering the phone!

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Trevor Project (Website: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/, Hotline: 1-866-488-7386)

These folks specialize in helping younger LGBT folks get the care and support they need, but they'll absolutely point you in the right direction regardless of age.

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Emergency Services (911, in the United States - last resort)

If you end up calling 911 for suicidal thoughts, request to go to the local crisis center rather than the ER, because you'll likely be stuck at the ER for quite a while before they can get you to a facility that can help you. Crisis center is a much better option if it's available, but /PLEASE/ do what you have to to be safe.

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Arizona-Specific Resources

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Arizona Warm Line (602-347-1100, https://crisis.solari-inc.org/get-help/warm-line/)

This is for sub-acute conversations, but still mental-health related and is usable in the state of Arizona. I haven't used this one myself, but my therapists have recommended it in the past.

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Sierra Tucson

This place is absolutely fantastic, and is more like a mental health resort than anything. It's quite expensive, but has a brilliant residential-level program that needs to be the standard for everyone one day. Their PHP/IOP aren't worth anything though. I'd swap to Palo Verde, farther down this list, for those.

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Sonora Behavioral Health Hospital

I've only had experience with Sonora's in-patient unit, specifically the Sabino unit. Their food is /terrible/, but it's otherwise a decent enough box to stabilize in. They don't really have much in the way of in-patient therapy (that's mostly focused on medication), but if I was in trouble again I would still consider it. (The food really is awful though.) I would recommend a bag with a non-hoodie sweatshirt with all strings removed as well as a few books, since reading cam sometimes calm the mind. Also bring a phone number list, as you won't have access to any devices. You'll be able to write with very tiny pencils and blank paper, and phone access is reasonable but limited to a common line that's shared between everyone in the unit.

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Palo Verde Behavioral Health

I haven't had an experience with the in-patient unit here, aside from the intake room, since when I went there were no beds and I was allowed (barely) to leave and return for IOP. I can say that their PHP and IOP programs are quite good, and as I'm writing this I just dropped from PHP to IOP.

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This is a random list of LGBT resources that can make you smile or be otherwise helpful! If you have more than I have listed, poke me and I will gladly add to the list!

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Mental Health

========================================

Suicide Hotline (988, in the United States)

I have personally called the Suicide Hotline, and they helped stabilize me long enough to get me to further care. If you need someone to help you, they're the ones, though Trans Lifeline and Trevor Project below, may be able to offer better specialized assistance.

----------------------------------------

Trans Lifeline (1-877-565-8860)

The trans lifeline can help you reach resources you need to get the care and support you need in a world that can be pretty dark. They can help very similarly to the Suicide Hotline if you need it, or help with less severe needs as required. That said, they're a much smaller organization, and might not always be available. Please call the Suicide Hotline if you need to and they aren't answering the phone!

----------------------------------------

Trevor Project (Website: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/, Hotline: 1-866-488-7386)

These folks specialize in helping younger LGBT folks get the care and support they need, but they'll absolutely point you in the right direction regardless of age.

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Arizona Warm Line (602-347-1100, https://crisis.solari-inc.org/get-help/warm-line/)

This is for sub-acute conversations, but still mental-health related and is usable in the state of Arizona. I haven't used this one myself, but my therapists have recommended it in the past.

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Emergency Services (911, in the United States - last resort)

If you end up calling 911 for suicidal thoughts, request to go to the local crisis center rather than the ER, because you'll likely be stuck at the ER for quite a while before they can get you to a facility that can help you. Crisis center is a much better option if it's available, but /PLEASE/ do what you have to to be safe.

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LGBT Rights Organizations

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Human Rights Campaign (https://www.hrc.org/about)

HRC is an organization that fights for LGBT rights across the country.

They also sell various gear in support of the cause, though I've included them here as an organization primarily.

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Clothing and Gear

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Untag (originally Trans-Missie, https://untag.com/pages/our-story)

This site sells trans-friendly swimsuits (and other clothing) of Amsterdam, though ships to the US as well as many other countries. The can and will tailor your swimsuit for your body, which is very helpful when you're trans, as (at least I) don't always fit well into standard sizes. Little pricey, especially the tailored stuff, but fantastic!

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Degenderettes (https://degenderettes.com/order#baseball)

This "friendly international genderqueer agitprop club" sells LGBT-flag colored baseball bats, hatchets, throwing axes, etc... Their website is a little broken at hte moment, but I've got one of their bats in my car and I love it. <3

They also appear to do music, though I've not personally listened to it! https://archive.org/details/TheDegenerettes

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Pridemode (https://pridemode.com/pages/about-us)

These folks sell various LGBT flavored clothing, silicone bracelets, and jewelry. I've not bought any of the clothing (yet), but I have their trans flag, pride flag, and lesbian bracelets and I like them a fair bit. I will note that they're a little wider than I like (and also have small ridges in between the color bands), but that's just due to how they're made.

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Anxiety and terror and horror and blight,
I feel all these things,
Not knowing your future,
Not knowing your past,
or hearing the songbirds sing.

I cannot explain how scared I am;
I cannot explain it at all;
To explain what I need
would require a bleed,
and a loss of hope for all.

If I enter hope and I am alive
these things I've lived shall write
to help those who aren't,
to help those who can't,
I'll shine Demosthenes' light.

My rage is now unbounded.
My fists are made of stone.
The crushing weight of terror
is destroying your home.

For in the dark and lightning
and in the whipping rain,
I cannot help be terror,
for terror is my name.

I cannot speak for windlass
I cannot speak for rope
I only see the storm's dark clouds
and future shorn of hope.

This is not mine, but was written as a response to "Just Now". I haven't been able to get into contact with him to check if it's okay to post, so if it disappears suddenly, that's why.

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This moment is precious.
This moment is yours.
But this moment is delicate,
so ensure that it's pure.

This moment is sadness,
So own your madness.
For it is yours and yours alone.
Despair and darkness come with power,
and this power is yours and yours alone


These moments are you.
These moments are us.
These moments are timeless,
where past, present, and future intersect.

These moments are now,
and these moments are then,
but in the end, I guarantee,
You will win.

Written on and trod on and walked on and stepped,
Crying for all the wrong reasons.
Collapsing and crushing and weeping and wept,
Stepped on for all the wrong reasons.

Because we can't stand up for ourselves.
Because we can't defend...
We're walked on.
We're the floor.
We're forgotten.

Not being seen, by others.
Not being seen, alone.
Not being seen, forever.
Not being seen, alone.

Not being seen, I worry.
Not being seen, I tear.
Not being seen, forever.
Not being seen, I bear.

Not being seen, it kills me.
Not being seen, refused.
Not being seen, forever.
Mother choosing child after views.

Things get better.

They really do, despite all my posts to the contrary. Despite every bad day and every rough night, thing get better, and I need to recognize that.

I'm feeling pretty good tonight, and in that spirit, I want to take a moment to reflect on that. I want to take a moment to look back at my life since moving to California at the start of 2015 and see what things have changed.

Transition is the obvious one, but far from the only item on that list. I can't honestly even tell you how much it's improved my life, because the difference is so vast I don't even know how to describe it. I'm about hit my two year milestone on HRT, but in all honesty, all of this starts with moving to CA.

The major blocker, for so long, was my (unrecognized) anxiety disorder. I've been in therapy for that for almost exactly three years now, going to a wonderful therapist who I can't say enough good things about. I couldn't /be/ transitioning if it weren't for her help in beating down this monster, and the medications my psychiatrist prescribed have helped a lot as well.

Even with those two things, though, I have a lot of things to make up for. I tell people that I basically wasn't even alive before about three years ago, and that's true. I existed, but I honestly don't know what happened to me. It feels like a stranger lived that life.

And I guess that's what I've been doing. I've been trying to learn how to actually live, how to actually love and feel loved in return, and though I haven't figured out a lot of this yet, I'm almost crying just feeling the weight of what's happened to me in the past few years. And oh yeah, I'm learning how to cry. >.<

And I so very badly need to. >.<

I have a lot of pain inside, and it almost kills me every single day, but every time I manage to cry even a tiny bit of it out, the relief is not even comprehensible by saner minds. >.< I'm learning how to feel. I'm learning how to write. But before any of that, I'm learning how to cry, and maybe, if I'm very lucky, it will save me.

I love you all, and I'm still here, and still fighting. I don't know how to handle this, and I don't know how to survive, but I am, and I don't know what to do with that either. XD

- Zeta

[Writer's note: I made myself write this one, because I need too, not because it's comfortable. Disturbing, violent imagery follows. You've been warned.]

The last couple of nights have been rough ones. Nightmares, one actually recurrent (the first time I've actually had one of those), have haunted me pretty badly and left me exhausted, even after what should be a solid night's rest. Thankfully, I'm writing this after two nights of relatively safe sleep, but if I tell you that I took my emergency Lorazepam for the first time, I think you'll understand.

The first night, I dreamt of fire... fire and water. I was a marine, or some manner of soldier on a river with (indistinct) others, and the area we were in was very hot. Gunships raced the skies above, and though I could see everything both from the ground and a bird's eye view simultaneously, I could feel the adrenaline racing through my heart. The dream lasted hours, finally disappearing into a fog after a last massive spike of terror. A massive airship, a bomber, I think, was shot down above us and came crashing down into the river. I tried to dodge it, and *mostly* made it, but so many died. The entire river erupted in flames and terror and crying. >.< I could smell the burnt flesh, and the screams ripped into my heart like a knife.

The second night was even worse, though I cannot remember it now. Recalling the first to write what I have has blanked it from my memory, but only for now, I suspect. >.< The one recalled above was my first recurrent nightmare, and I am absolutely certain the second will revisit me again too. >.<

As for the Lorazepam... I took it on the third night, and it worked, much as I was afraid it might. I had the most restful sleep I've had in what is probably months, and that's a dangerous thing to finally see. >.< The fact that I slept through any negative effects it would have had on me means my first impression was 100% positive, and that's not good. It's hard not to take it now.

That said, I'm not going to take it again, unless I absolutely need it, and I'm going to be speaking to my doctor about it at the next visit. I'm honestly really scared that it made that much of a difference. I actually felt like a safe, happy human being for most of the next day.