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Things get better.
They really do, despite all my posts to the contrary. Despite every bad day and every rough night, thing get better, and I need to recognize that.
I'm feeling pretty good tonight, and in that spirit, I want to take a moment to reflect on that. I want to take a moment to look back at my life since moving to California at the start of 2015 and see what things have changed.
Transition is the obvious one, but far from the only item on that list. I can't honestly even tell you how much it's improved my life, because the difference is so vast I don't even know how to describe it. I'm about hit my two year milestone on HRT, but in all honesty, all of this starts with moving to CA.
The major blocker, for so long, was my (unrecognized) anxiety disorder. I've been in therapy for that for almost exactly three years now, going to a wonderful therapist who I can't say enough good things about. I couldn't /be/ transitioning if it weren't for her help in beating down this monster, and the medications my psychiatrist prescribed have helped a lot as well.
Even with those two things, though, I have a lot of things to make up for. I tell people that I basically wasn't even alive before about three years ago, and that's true. I existed, but I honestly don't know what happened to me. It feels like a stranger lived that life.
And I guess that's what I've been doing. I've been trying to learn how to actually live, how to actually love and feel loved in return, and though I haven't figured out a lot of this yet, I'm almost crying just feeling the weight of what's happened to me in the past few years. And oh yeah, I'm learning how to cry. >.<
And I so very badly need to. >.<
I have a lot of pain inside, and it almost kills me every single day, but every time I manage to cry even a tiny bit of it out, the relief is not even comprehensible by saner minds. >.< I'm learning how to feel. I'm learning how to write. But before any of that, I'm learning how to cry, and maybe, if I'm very lucky, it will save me.
I love you all, and I'm still here, and still fighting. I don't know how to handle this, and I don't know how to survive, but I am, and I don't know what to do with that either. XD
- Zeta
They really do, despite all my posts to the contrary. Despite every bad day and every rough night, thing get better, and I need to recognize that.
I'm feeling pretty good tonight, and in that spirit, I want to take a moment to reflect on that. I want to take a moment to look back at my life since moving to California at the start of 2015 and see what things have changed.
Transition is the obvious one, but far from the only item on that list. I can't honestly even tell you how much it's improved my life, because the difference is so vast I don't even know how to describe it. I'm about hit my two year milestone on HRT, but in all honesty, all of this starts with moving to CA.
The major blocker, for so long, was my (unrecognized) anxiety disorder. I've been in therapy for that for almost exactly three years now, going to a wonderful therapist who I can't say enough good things about. I couldn't /be/ transitioning if it weren't for her help in beating down this monster, and the medications my psychiatrist prescribed have helped a lot as well.
Even with those two things, though, I have a lot of things to make up for. I tell people that I basically wasn't even alive before about three years ago, and that's true. I existed, but I honestly don't know what happened to me. It feels like a stranger lived that life.
And I guess that's what I've been doing. I've been trying to learn how to actually live, how to actually love and feel loved in return, and though I haven't figured out a lot of this yet, I'm almost crying just feeling the weight of what's happened to me in the past few years. And oh yeah, I'm learning how to cry. >.<
And I so very badly need to. >.<
I have a lot of pain inside, and it almost kills me every single day, but every time I manage to cry even a tiny bit of it out, the relief is not even comprehensible by saner minds. >.< I'm learning how to feel. I'm learning how to write. But before any of that, I'm learning how to cry, and maybe, if I'm very lucky, it will save me.
I love you all, and I'm still here, and still fighting. I don't know how to handle this, and I don't know how to survive, but I am, and I don't know what to do with that either. XD
- Zeta
