Ramblings of a Transgirl

So, I hadn't put words to page on what's going on with me yet, and boy oh boy are there some words to write.

1. I had a sudden, though not unexpected mental health collapse on 10/18. Every day between this and treatment was a knife-edge whether I lived or I died (suicide). I did not realize that at the time, but I got lucky on all the flips.
2. I went inpatient with Sierra Tucson on 10/22, was there for about a week before they transferred me (at my voluntary request) to Sonora Behavioral Health Hospital, a Level 1 psych ward where I could be restrained if necessary.
3. After 12 days of stabilization, I returned to Sierra Tucson and completed a stay in their month-long residential program. I was generally speaking, doing quite well, I thought, except for the ideation still being present. I realized at this time that I had been suicidal since I was about 4 years of age, and that was a shattering event.
4. I went home, feeling a lot better, and entered Sierra Tucson's partial hospitalization (PHP) program.
5. On day 4 of PHP, I had a suicidal event. Had I been home, I would have killed myself with my kitchen knives, and I only survived the event due to not being there at the time it occurred. This was another shattering event.
6. I immediately returned to inpatient at Sierra Tucson, and was there for two days.
7. I headed back to Sonora Behavioral. I was there another ten days, and reopened a connection with my mom, who I'd not spoken to in seven years. That was another shattering event. She told me I didn't have to be afraid of her anymore, and my suicidal ideation disappeared that night, I think. Forgiveness is a powerful thing.
8. I got home and had a breakdown again, and got myself back to Sierra Tucson. Unfortunately, insurance didn't want to pay ST any more money, and I was kicked out, with a recommendation to go to Crownview Co-Ocurring Institute in Oceanside, CA.
9. I made it home and wrote much of this post, but not all of it. Freaking out, I got myself to Oceanside two days after making it home.
10. I'm in Oceanside, and am writing this. I'm scared, and I need my anxiety to calm the fuck down before I can go back to work. I'm anxious as fucking hell shit bastard mental health disorder, but not outright experiencing ideation. I may actually live through this.

As for now... I'm not sure what to do? I'm hoping this place can help me, but I'm not convinced it can, especially in the three months I can afford to actually be here. I'm hoping that I can continue to heal the rift with my mom and be I can be safe again, at least enough to return to normal life. I'm not outright suicidal, but am aware that I could return to suicidality at any point, which is a constant worry.

Oh, and as far as stress, yeah, I'm all over the map at the moment... I don't know what to do because of how early I am in healing with my mom, or what it'll take for me to be able to return to my normal life, but I'm hoping this place can help me.

I wrote this sort of accidentally, but my heart spoke, and I will always listen.

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My name... is Zeta.

I've had a rough couple of days. Rough week, really... but I'm doing better, maybe even a lot better, than I ever have before. I don't often go into the details of my sessions with my therapist, but I wanted to share a little something from my last one, something that's kind of stunned me the last few days. But to do that, I need to mention a little bit about DNMS first.

DNMS (Developmental Needs Meeting Strategy [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Developmental_Needs_Meeting_Strategy]) is one of the types of therapy that my therapist practices. It's not widely known, yet, and still being studied, but whatever our final conclusions on the matter, I know it's helped me. DNMS focuses on actually resolving the traumas of the past, not just managing them like many other types of therapy, and that's a hell of a difference. It also means that it can get pretty heavy to deal with, since you have to actually work through those old memories and feel the things you've been putting off for so long. >.<

One of the key features of DNMS is the use of three internal resources: a nurturing adult self, a protective adult self, and a spiritual core self. I'm... still working on connecting with mine, but I made a major breakthrough with my protective adult self on Thursday and haven't quite been the same since.

Zoe (my therapist) always talks about how "X is a trait you already have", reinforcing that these are things you possess, even if you can't see them right away... and she's right, though it can be a bitch to see that some days. The last few days, I have been able to see it, and even if storm clouds descend again, I don't feel quite as alone anymore. I... I don't think this'll be the end of this, but this is a major reason for hope.

I guess I should get to the point of this journal, which was to share a letter she had me write. I don't remember exactly what triggered the idea, but I do remember her gentle words encouraging me to write a letter *to* my protective adult self, right after finally making a connection. And so I wanted to share the words of that letter today.

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Dear PAS,

It’s been a rough few days. Anxiety, thoughts of self-harm, and deep-seated pains have pretty much hammered me into the ground. It’s the worst it’s been in a long time.  >.<

If I didn’t have you, I don’t know where I’d be. Pretty sure I’d be in a lot of trouble. >.< Thank you. *hugs* >.<

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It took me almost 15 minutes to write those few words... and I know they're not a lot, but they're really important. >.< I think I need to write a lot more letters now.