zetasyanthis | Entries tagged with poem

This is a poem I wrote a few weeks back, and hadn't yet posted. It's pretty sad, but true.

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Bleeding covers all the land.
Bleeding out their youth, you planned.
Bleeding them because of past.
Bleeding them to death at last.

Bleeding their child 'till they die.
Bleeding, hopeless, as they cry.
Bleeding until they are still.
Bleeding, dying, for your will.

Bleeding Gaza, and Rafah.
Bleeding because of their god.
Bleeding 'till they all are dead.
Bleeding for dreams in your head.

A tiny little bunny
who hopped into our lives
who opened up with science
the doubt inside our eyes.

That hopping little bunny
who was the friend of all
she hopped until she couldn't
and at the last did fall.

She left us teared and weeping
for her most sudden pass
and now we lay her shell to rest
in consecrated grass.

That hopping little bunny
that changed all of our lives
she made the world a better place
despite our crying eyes.

Failure, Abandonment, Vice and Blood
I cannot explain the should.
I cannot explain the pain of past.
I cannot see 'yond that last.

I cannot gather the threads of time.
I cannot savor the evening's chime.
I cannot see my mirth at home.
I cannot see the worth of tomes.

I cannot see 'yond darkness deep.
I cannot see beyond my sleep.
I cannot see past mist and sand.
I cannot find my hoped-for land.

I do not know what knots I'll find.
I do ont know 'neath fear and rhyme.
I do not know my blood's sweet birth,
the bloody rivers, the crimson earth.

Current Location: Palo Verde Behavioral Health

Sleeping silence sleeping soundly.
Tiny water trickling depths.
Who can know these sounds so lonely?
Who can plumb their secret depths?

I can stand here and behold them.
I can see and never cry.
I can hold you, now forever.
I can feel you fin'ly die.

And yes I will stand your heartbreak.
And yes I will live that morn,
that I sing with humble redoubt,
that I sing your song that mourns.

I can stand here, ever weeping.
I can stand here, should I cry.
Your heart lost will feel so lonely,
that beside you, I will die.

So let's not. Let's live together.
So let's shine with force of will.
So let's ever meet the morning.
I can do it, if you will.

Helpers and kindness and rescues of hope
our hearts can't withstand the pain
These people, this place, all are scars
on the psyche of our brains.

Instead of scars, we should now have
these tattered wings of hope
one day at a time, one breath at a time,
preventing the snap of a rope.

You wouldn't imagine these things that kill,
these tiny little knives,
but you can't see inside our our souls
inside we always die.

Today I'm feeling terrible.
Today I'm feeling fine.
Today I would release with knives
that sweetly sickened wine.

A red vintage so lonely
A red vintage so sad
that what I'd do
is die with you
to quick to apply scabs.

If I now had my kitchen knives
I'd open up my self.
I'd rip and tear and gnaw and bite
and shred apart my health.

From one life to another
I would forever fly
on chords of crushed intestine walls
and surely I would die.

A stinking, piss-filled brutal death
and at last I would fall.
I'd give away my life-blood still.
I'd give away it all.

I'm trying to find my worth inside.
I'm trying to find my worth.
It's been before inside myself.
T'was given t' me at birth.

And yet when I feel empty
and when I feel ashamed
I will resolve to hold that spark,
to hold on to my name.

I will not let this threat take hold
that threatens to take life.
I will not be beaten by it.
I will not lose my life.

I will not quit; I will not fail
for my life is at stake.
I will not tarry, delay long.
I cannot risk mistakes.

I wish I felt my heartbeat.
I wish I felt my strain.
I wish I felt but anything.
I wish I felt my pain.

I wish that I could go from day
to day to day at last.
I wish that I had love and joy,
but all I have is ash.

I wish I could get up and sing.
I wish that I could laugh.
I wish that I could desperately,
find once again, my path.

I wish that I could just get up.
I wish that I could strive.
I wish that I could do something,
and more than just survive.

I wish that I could see once more.
I wish that I could cry.
I with with greying everything,
that I'd wish not to die.

I feel an anxious itching.
It takes up all my mind.
And if I really let it,
around my throat would wind.

I cannot tell this timer,
this night-impending doom
to please please please stop ticking
its way into my room.

This timer, ticking badly,
this timer, ticking down,
it drives me mad with itching.
It drives me to the ground.

It scares the fuck out of me
It scares me half to death
and my my my my my brain
would swing on its last breath.

I wish I knew these doomticks
would stop their sounding call.
I cannot take these doomticks!
They shake the very walls!

I cannot see, I cannot find
my heart inside this shell.
My mind rebels, my mind dissolves
and I am left in hell.

I can't believe, I cannot see
this curse inside my mind
anxiety is part of me
and keeps forever blind.

I will not see, I will not feel
this noise inside my brain.
I'll medicate or TMS
'till it then cries in pain.

I'll wake, now free
and sing for joy
at this now world unfurled
and laugh at last
and cry at last
I'm finally a girl!

It could be the stop;
I could be the start;
This panic attack
puts bolts in my heart.

I can't find the bottom;
I can't find the sand;
I am just now drowning;
I can't find the land.

I shame and in shadow,
in brutalist dark,
I can't find my heartstrings;
I can't find my heart.

I'm lost and in shadow
and deep inside storm;
It takes all I have now
to prevent self-harm.

And maybe one day
And maybe one morn
I won't have these torrents;
I won't have these storms.

I cannot feel my heart right now;
I cannot feel the truth;
Behind my eyes the suicide;
the stained and bloody earth.

I cannot feel the pain right now;
I cannot feel the birth;
as my blood drains I cry at last
for death surmised in mirth.

I cannot rate my risk right now;
I cannot answer true;
I do not know where at I am;
I'm still lying to you.

A lack of understanding,
A lack of needs being met,
A lack of comprehension,
A lonely, desperate, death.

A sadness, tiny, weeping,
A madness, tearing holes,
And terror, ripping shredding,
my mind's dissolved in whole.

This place is not for me yet.
This place can't handle red.
My mind is torn in pieces.
My mind's completely dead.

Current Location: Sierra Tucson

Safety isn't words "I love you."
Safety isn't touch that heals.
Safety never ever beats you.
Safety never wounds your tears.

Safety here is sounds of silence.
Safety here is sounds of RASCs.
Safety here is sounds of nurses,
all of them bent to this task.

Safety here is lack of beatings.
Safety here is free of rope.
Safety, guaranteed by others,
day and night to give us hope.

Safety in this tiny cabin,
safety, logs split-level safe,
safety smiling ever faces,
here in Morningstar's embrace.

Safety here is now contracte;
Safety here is never kind;
safety here is ever watching,
safety here inside my mind.

Current Location: Sierra Tucson

Wires and tightropes and catches oh my,
my heart can't withstand the pain;
Wires and tightropes and things I despise,
my mind can't withstand the rain.

Of intrusive thoughts, of intrusive acts
my mind will always toward-slip.
And yet, even still, I'm here and around
and never my life I will quit.

Of dangers and horror I know far too much
to cross the waters of Styx
I've too much left, too far to swim,
to let death finally stick.

Current Mood: determined
Current Location: Sierra Tucson

Compliments are bouncing off,
Compliments, unheard,
Compliments that shake our mind
and threaten our whole world.

Because we cannot see ourselves,
Because we cannot laugh,
We never hear our compliments;
We discard them like chaff.

But one day soon, we'll feel them all.
But one day soon, we'll see.
And one day soon when that day comes
we'll cry for victory.

Current Mood: optimistic
Current Location: Sierra Tucson

How do I even explain the horror?
How do I explain the fear?
How do I laugh in despair and communicate
how I really feel?

From bouts so dark I knew not depths
to poor, abandoned child,
you did much damage to yourself
your anger became wild

Rages and storms and calms and lulls
made relapse all the worse,
a word unsaid, and glance not met
would send you to your worst.

It would matter why, because
It wouldn't matter at all.
It wouldn't matter in the end;
we'd have to forget it all.

And from those shattered memories
a hist'ry I must patch
Uncertain broken memories
with huge and unknown gaps.

Across those gashes, whimpering,
my tiny voice must fly
without knowing, without guessing,
which one will make me die.

I cannot know the bottom, deep,
the hurt you set my mind,
I only know approaching it
is filled with hate and knives.

How do I now explain the fear?
How do I cover terror?
Of parent, caretaker whispering
those words of utter horror.

For "once I get my hands on you"
and "if mom wasn't here"
your punishment would be five times,
or ten times more severe.

With threats you kept us tightly bound,
with violence more still,
us striving to heal our own hearts
and at times yours as willed.

But we could not fill in that hole.
We could not bridge that gap.
We were to busy suffering
to even manage laughs.

From all the mem'ries good and bad
it's wonder we survived;
I cannot say how long I'll live
self-hate drives me to die.

With frantic heartbeats, wracking coughs,
tremors were then revealed
tremors that scared me even more
than specialists in fields.

Though could not find the root cause then,
they could not understand,
their tests and then their bruises...
revealed death's long hand.

For which child when you are 13, remembers
things so bleak
their parents seeming all at fault
No cause because they're weak.

No cause because they couldn't see,
No cause 'cause they refused
a doctor to take them from me
and raise me less abused.

Current Mood: sick
Current Location: Sierra Tucson

The body remembers;
the soul forgets;
she cannot withstand the pain.

She cannot protect;
cannot remember;
her very own special name.

She dares not look up;
She dares not look down,
in fear of what eyes will see.

She cannot look forward,
or back to the side,
for fear of drowning in sea.

A sea of emotions,
a sea of despair,
she paddles ever across.

No lighthouse, no beacon
no ship's passing light,
she is forever lost.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Location: Sierra Tucson

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Zeta Syanthis

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Ramblings of a Transgirl

I'm complicated. So are you, if you take a minute to think about it...

Entries tagged with poem

Poem: Gaza

Poem: For Porsupah

Poem: Failure

Zeta's Poems

Poem: Trickling Depths

These Things That Kill

Poem: Terrible

Poem: Knives

Poem: I'm Trying to Find

Poem: I Wish

Poem: I Feel An Anxious Itching

Poem: I Cannot See

It Could be the Stop

Poem: I Cannot Find

Severity

Safety

Poem: Slippery Crying

Poem: Compliments

Poem: For My Dad

Poem: The Sea