Ramblings of a Transgirl

So, I hadn't put words to page on what's going on with me yet, and boy oh boy are there some words to write.

1. I had a sudden, though not unexpected mental health collapse on 10/18. Every day between this and treatment was a knife-edge whether I lived or I died (suicide). I did not realize that at the time, but I got lucky on all the flips.
2. I went inpatient with Sierra Tucson on 10/22, was there for about a week before they transferred me (at my voluntary request) to Sonora Behavioral Health Hospital, a Level 1 psych ward where I could be restrained if necessary.
3. After 12 days of stabilization, I returned to Sierra Tucson and completed a stay in their month-long residential program. I was generally speaking, doing quite well, I thought, except for the ideation still being present. I realized at this time that I had been suicidal since I was about 4 years of age, and that was a shattering event.
4. I went home, feeling a lot better, and entered Sierra Tucson's partial hospitalization (PHP) program.
5. On day 4 of PHP, I had a suicidal event. Had I been home, I would have killed myself with my kitchen knives, and I only survived the event due to not being there at the time it occurred. This was another shattering event.
6. I immediately returned to inpatient at Sierra Tucson, and was there for two days.
7. I headed back to Sonora Behavioral. I was there another ten days, and reopened a connection with my mom, who I'd not spoken to in seven years. That was another shattering event. She told me I didn't have to be afraid of her anymore, and my suicidal ideation disappeared that night, I think. Forgiveness is a powerful thing.
8. I got home and had a breakdown again, and got myself back to Sierra Tucson. Unfortunately, insurance didn't want to pay ST any more money, and I was kicked out, with a recommendation to go to Crownview Co-Ocurring Institute in Oceanside, CA.
9. I made it home and wrote much of this post, but not all of it. Freaking out, I got myself to Oceanside two days after making it home.
10. I'm in Oceanside, and am writing this. I'm scared, and I need my anxiety to calm the fuck down before I can go back to work. I'm anxious as fucking hell shit bastard mental health disorder, but not outright experiencing ideation. I may actually live through this.

As for now... I'm not sure what to do? I'm hoping this place can help me, but I'm not convinced it can, especially in the three months I can afford to actually be here. I'm hoping that I can continue to heal the rift with my mom and be I can be safe again, at least enough to return to normal life. I'm not outright suicidal, but am aware that I could return to suicidality at any point, which is a constant worry.

Oh, and as far as stress, yeah, I'm all over the map at the moment... I don't know what to do because of how early I am in healing with my mom, or what it'll take for me to be able to return to my normal life, but I'm hoping this place can help me.