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Touchy-feely
Nov. 26th, 2012 11:18 pmThis is going to be a weird post, but I'm weird, so I suppose that's appropriate. I've no idea how this is going to come out...
So, there are some things that everyone's bad at... Personally, I'm terrible at letting others know how much I care about them. I used to know, but at some point along the way I closed up and hid myself. I sealed something away, and though I'm not sure exactly how or what it was, I know I need it again. I want to share myself, share
what I've become and what I've only started to be with someone special, but I don't know how to start...
For a long time, I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. Before I even knew what furry was, I tended towards the outcast roles: computer, math, and science. Though I'm happy to claim to be pretty decent at those things, implicitly choosing the outcast role has ramification just like anything else. With the terms 'geek,' 'nerd,' and later 'furry,' I built myself into an impregnable fortress, someone who could not be hurt, but someone who was also deeply alone and unable to recognize it. I turned to online RP, among other things, to satisfy some of the physical changes I went through in those years, and somewhere along the way the real world and online divorced each other. They would not speak again for over 12 years.
Approximately two years ago, I began to slowly awaken again. I'm not sure what it was, but I'm thankful for it, and my friends who saw me through that time. It may not have been as dark as it could have been, but they certainly helped with the healing process, just as making new friends (you all) has. Part of that time was spent dealing with my own sexuality, which is incredibly complicated and something that I'm terrible about talking about even to this day. I'm still decompressing and working on losing most of the absurd cultural background that has held me back, but I'm not afraid myself anymore, and damn if that doesn't mean the world.
My sexuality, especially as a furry, is something that few outside this community can understand, and even fewer would probably want to. As a result, I hid it and myself from the world, quite unintentionally transitioning into full-blown asexuality in real life. It wasn't a conscious choice, but somehow I ended up with a complete disconnect between the side of myself that I let show online and who I was in real life. I think I've managed to cross that bridge, but now I find myself in vast unknown territory. I worry about alienating the friends I've made by going too far too quickly, since I basically don't have a good sense of boundaries, or how interest of various kinds might be taken. I tend to go full-reverse, or into Ultra Professional Mode (tm) when faced with a situation I don't know how to handle (physical contact especially), when I really am very open and it's really the opposite.
I guess this is an admission of sorts, as much as anything, but I hope it's something more than that. If I ever seem kinda distant or isolated, don't take that as a hint to stay away. Hugs are better than distance, and questions are better than silence.
"Something my father said. He was old, very old at the time. I went into his room, and he was sitting alone in the dark, crying. So I asked him what was wrong, and he said, "My shoes are too tight, but it doesn't matter, because I have forgotten how to dance." I never understood what that meant until now. My shoes are too tight, and I have forgotten how to dance." - Londo Mulari, Babylon 5
I want to learn again.
So, there are some things that everyone's bad at... Personally, I'm terrible at letting others know how much I care about them. I used to know, but at some point along the way I closed up and hid myself. I sealed something away, and though I'm not sure exactly how or what it was, I know I need it again. I want to share myself, share
what I've become and what I've only started to be with someone special, but I don't know how to start...
For a long time, I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. Before I even knew what furry was, I tended towards the outcast roles: computer, math, and science. Though I'm happy to claim to be pretty decent at those things, implicitly choosing the outcast role has ramification just like anything else. With the terms 'geek,' 'nerd,' and later 'furry,' I built myself into an impregnable fortress, someone who could not be hurt, but someone who was also deeply alone and unable to recognize it. I turned to online RP, among other things, to satisfy some of the physical changes I went through in those years, and somewhere along the way the real world and online divorced each other. They would not speak again for over 12 years.
Approximately two years ago, I began to slowly awaken again. I'm not sure what it was, but I'm thankful for it, and my friends who saw me through that time. It may not have been as dark as it could have been, but they certainly helped with the healing process, just as making new friends (you all) has. Part of that time was spent dealing with my own sexuality, which is incredibly complicated and something that I'm terrible about talking about even to this day. I'm still decompressing and working on losing most of the absurd cultural background that has held me back, but I'm not afraid myself anymore, and damn if that doesn't mean the world.
My sexuality, especially as a furry, is something that few outside this community can understand, and even fewer would probably want to. As a result, I hid it and myself from the world, quite unintentionally transitioning into full-blown asexuality in real life. It wasn't a conscious choice, but somehow I ended up with a complete disconnect between the side of myself that I let show online and who I was in real life. I think I've managed to cross that bridge, but now I find myself in vast unknown territory. I worry about alienating the friends I've made by going too far too quickly, since I basically don't have a good sense of boundaries, or how interest of various kinds might be taken. I tend to go full-reverse, or into Ultra Professional Mode (tm) when faced with a situation I don't know how to handle (physical contact especially), when I really am very open and it's really the opposite.
I guess this is an admission of sorts, as much as anything, but I hope it's something more than that. If I ever seem kinda distant or isolated, don't take that as a hint to stay away. Hugs are better than distance, and questions are better than silence.
"Something my father said. He was old, very old at the time. I went into his room, and he was sitting alone in the dark, crying. So I asked him what was wrong, and he said, "My shoes are too tight, but it doesn't matter, because I have forgotten how to dance." I never understood what that meant until now. My shoes are too tight, and I have forgotten how to dance." - Londo Mulari, Babylon 5
I want to learn again.
