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Sometimes, it rains... Sometimes. But that's not the point of life, now is it? It may rain a while, but there's no sense in it, no thing, no thought to find within. Sometimes, it just rains, and that's it.
Today, it's raining, and I find, maybe so inside myself as well. For the last few days beauty has been difficult to touch for me. There have been moments, but they've been fleeting, leaving me feeling... not so much myself as I should be. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm writing this in the hopes that that can change. A friend of mine did something similar, and if he still can, with all he's been through, I damned well should be able to.
Thing is, this week has been stressful. Hell, this whole month... Moving is hard; leaving friends is hard; and surely, trying to find a new balance for yourself is hard. This week particularly, I've not really been balanced, working more than 50 hours (one 30 hour shift, among other things) during a crisis at work. I didn't have to do that, but I was needed, and so I stayed. The problem is that that crisis isn't even over today, wasn't over yesterday, and probably won't be for another two weeks at least.
I've made it a policy to not respond to email during my personal time, regardless of the fact that I now have a company cell phone. If I'm needed that badly, they'll call, which, so far today, they have not. But the crisis weighs on me today, since I did reach for that phone and saw the problems that are occurring, even though I said I wouldn't. I haven't done anything to fix it, haven't called or got on my work laptop or gone in, but it weighs all the same. I know I can't though. I need today for myself, needed yesterday, really, though I didn't have it.
I've been feeling depressed this week, and I'm not sure why; but I need time to recover. I need today and tomorrow with no demands, and to find a way to create and be able to enjoy things again. I know it's bad when I try to read and it's just words on a page. Hell, I watched Rent last night with Dakota, and it was just images and noise. Not good.
I slept in this morning, felt a bit better, and even posted about writing a bit while making some boba tea. But by the time I was done making it, I felt wiped out again, and haven't put a single word to page besides these few, not exactly what I was going for. I'm hoping the rain will pass.
Today, it's raining, and I find, maybe so inside myself as well. For the last few days beauty has been difficult to touch for me. There have been moments, but they've been fleeting, leaving me feeling... not so much myself as I should be. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm writing this in the hopes that that can change. A friend of mine did something similar, and if he still can, with all he's been through, I damned well should be able to.
Thing is, this week has been stressful. Hell, this whole month... Moving is hard; leaving friends is hard; and surely, trying to find a new balance for yourself is hard. This week particularly, I've not really been balanced, working more than 50 hours (one 30 hour shift, among other things) during a crisis at work. I didn't have to do that, but I was needed, and so I stayed. The problem is that that crisis isn't even over today, wasn't over yesterday, and probably won't be for another two weeks at least.
I've made it a policy to not respond to email during my personal time, regardless of the fact that I now have a company cell phone. If I'm needed that badly, they'll call, which, so far today, they have not. But the crisis weighs on me today, since I did reach for that phone and saw the problems that are occurring, even though I said I wouldn't. I haven't done anything to fix it, haven't called or got on my work laptop or gone in, but it weighs all the same. I know I can't though. I need today for myself, needed yesterday, really, though I didn't have it.
I've been feeling depressed this week, and I'm not sure why; but I need time to recover. I need today and tomorrow with no demands, and to find a way to create and be able to enjoy things again. I know it's bad when I try to read and it's just words on a page. Hell, I watched Rent last night with Dakota, and it was just images and noise. Not good.
I slept in this morning, felt a bit better, and even posted about writing a bit while making some boba tea. But by the time I was done making it, I felt wiped out again, and haven't put a single word to page besides these few, not exactly what I was going for. I'm hoping the rain will pass.
