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So... This should hopefully be a bit lighter than some of my journals as of late, though it's still pretty heavy and emotional. In a way, I'm writing this to kind of confess something that I've always known, but have had absolutely no idea how to deal with. (Bonus points: It is one of the chief causes of my anxiety.)
I have problems with emotional connection.
I don't have a problem *making* connections. I have a problem with *not* making them. There's a whole ton of ways I think about it, from having too much love (an introject response), to just not knowing how to maintain boundaries. (Even the second one doesn't ring completely true, though, because I can set up and maintain them for certain things, and they can be ultra-strong at times. I just don't have the mental energy to maintain them over the long term... or maybe, I'm fooling myself and don't really have them in the first place. (Hint: It's the latter.))
So let's talk about the "too much love" angle. Clearly, there's no such thing, despite what my brain might tell me. However, this thing (I don't know what the hell to call it) has some ramifications. The first how I make emotional connections, and the second is how deep those go.
I have a really funny(?) (I think/hope?) (from an outside perspective) way of making friends. I kind of run into someone I like, and then just start treating them as a friend, usually resulting in them going "Huh, this person is a little bit odd. I guess it's not hurting anything though." (Hands up if I've done this to you!) Usually that's accompanied by the other person acknowledging me as an acquaintance and shrugging it off. Over time, though, a friendship just kind of happens, often surprising the other person quite a bit. The simple act of treating someone as a friend causes a friendship to grow, even if it doesn't have a label. The thing that throws people for a hell of a loop is that I don't actually have a goal in this. Nothing is ever expected from my side. It's simply a "I'm going to treat you as a friend unless you give me a reason not to." If you never feel the same way, I will probably be slightly sad, but I'm just kind of like that.
Those same friendships can deepen over time, though typically they won't without acknowledgement and acceptance from the other person involved. A lack of serious bond response from the other person might mean some slight heart-ache, depending, but if there is a response, that bond grows incredibly quickly. I suppose I should try to describe how this makes sense to me, but it might be slightly mind-boggling or incomprehensible, depending on how you form bonds...
Here's the truth.
I love *everyone*. I see the beauty in everyone's heart, as well as the potential that that beauty brings to the world. I even see it when people can't see it themselves (a discordance that is honestly one of the worst feelings in the world). When I look at you, I see you, the person, not the skin, not the gender... the whole. Each and every one of you is beautiful and amazing beyond your wildest dreams... and I see all of it.
As a result of this, the only way for me to maintain a level of emotional separation is distance. Physical separation keeps those bonds from growing too deep, too quickly, and (so my introject would have me believe) causing all kinds of havoc. If you've seen me flit close and then disappear, it's because of this, not because of anything you have done... especially since I've been afraid. I buried this deep, because my emotional core didn't fit with how the world said I should be. That said... I don't want to be afraid anymore, but I fear this will be my hardest lesson. I don't even know what the lesson to be learned is, but I fear it all the same. :S
On a scale of emotional connection from 0-10, I have zero through two, and then eleven. I could spend an afternoon with you and we could fall in love for a lifetime. I have done *exactly* that, and it scared me so deeply I had panic attacks for weeks, thinking I had destroyed an existing relationship in the process. (Luckily, I'm dating one of the most forgiving and generous-with-her-heart dragons on the planet, else things would have gone really badly. >.<)
In summary... I don't know where I'm going with this either. I am really sick of being afraid of my own heart, my own nature, my own music, but I am terrified to let it loose. The only boundary I've ever really held is not letting that fear go, but there's a big damned crack in that armor now. Part of me finally knows it isn't a bad thing. Here's the thing... Boundaries just kind of dissolve around me. Just like in the friendships above, the fact that they're weakening is not noticed until they're suddenly gone. And... this one is trying to, even as I write this.
My heart, my magic, my music, doesn't know how to say no, and maybe it shouldn't have to. It's wild, it's free, and it's caged. >.<
I have problems with emotional connection.
I don't have a problem *making* connections. I have a problem with *not* making them. There's a whole ton of ways I think about it, from having too much love (an introject response), to just not knowing how to maintain boundaries. (Even the second one doesn't ring completely true, though, because I can set up and maintain them for certain things, and they can be ultra-strong at times. I just don't have the mental energy to maintain them over the long term... or maybe, I'm fooling myself and don't really have them in the first place. (Hint: It's the latter.))
So let's talk about the "too much love" angle. Clearly, there's no such thing, despite what my brain might tell me. However, this thing (I don't know what the hell to call it) has some ramifications. The first how I make emotional connections, and the second is how deep those go.
I have a really funny(?) (I think/hope?) (from an outside perspective) way of making friends. I kind of run into someone I like, and then just start treating them as a friend, usually resulting in them going "Huh, this person is a little bit odd. I guess it's not hurting anything though." (Hands up if I've done this to you!) Usually that's accompanied by the other person acknowledging me as an acquaintance and shrugging it off. Over time, though, a friendship just kind of happens, often surprising the other person quite a bit. The simple act of treating someone as a friend causes a friendship to grow, even if it doesn't have a label. The thing that throws people for a hell of a loop is that I don't actually have a goal in this. Nothing is ever expected from my side. It's simply a "I'm going to treat you as a friend unless you give me a reason not to." If you never feel the same way, I will probably be slightly sad, but I'm just kind of like that.
Those same friendships can deepen over time, though typically they won't without acknowledgement and acceptance from the other person involved. A lack of serious bond response from the other person might mean some slight heart-ache, depending, but if there is a response, that bond grows incredibly quickly. I suppose I should try to describe how this makes sense to me, but it might be slightly mind-boggling or incomprehensible, depending on how you form bonds...
Here's the truth.
I love *everyone*. I see the beauty in everyone's heart, as well as the potential that that beauty brings to the world. I even see it when people can't see it themselves (a discordance that is honestly one of the worst feelings in the world). When I look at you, I see you, the person, not the skin, not the gender... the whole. Each and every one of you is beautiful and amazing beyond your wildest dreams... and I see all of it.
As a result of this, the only way for me to maintain a level of emotional separation is distance. Physical separation keeps those bonds from growing too deep, too quickly, and (so my introject would have me believe) causing all kinds of havoc. If you've seen me flit close and then disappear, it's because of this, not because of anything you have done... especially since I've been afraid. I buried this deep, because my emotional core didn't fit with how the world said I should be. That said... I don't want to be afraid anymore, but I fear this will be my hardest lesson. I don't even know what the lesson to be learned is, but I fear it all the same. :S
On a scale of emotional connection from 0-10, I have zero through two, and then eleven. I could spend an afternoon with you and we could fall in love for a lifetime. I have done *exactly* that, and it scared me so deeply I had panic attacks for weeks, thinking I had destroyed an existing relationship in the process. (Luckily, I'm dating one of the most forgiving and generous-with-her-heart dragons on the planet, else things would have gone really badly. >.<)
In summary... I don't know where I'm going with this either. I am really sick of being afraid of my own heart, my own nature, my own music, but I am terrified to let it loose. The only boundary I've ever really held is not letting that fear go, but there's a big damned crack in that armor now. Part of me finally knows it isn't a bad thing. Here's the thing... Boundaries just kind of dissolve around me. Just like in the friendships above, the fact that they're weakening is not noticed until they're suddenly gone. And... this one is trying to, even as I write this.
My heart, my magic, my music, doesn't know how to say no, and maybe it shouldn't have to. It's wild, it's free, and it's caged. >.<
