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I just want to say at the start that you guys are the best. I'm not as good as I should be at asking for help, but when I finally did, you were there for me in spades. It's tough to describe, let alone summarize, what's happened in the last few weeks, but I'm going to at least give it a shot. This may or may not make any kind of sense at all to anyone who isn't me, but I'm writing it anyhow. A lot of it has only recently become clear, so some of the terminology might seem a bit strange, but that can't be helped.
Mentally, I'm in a much better place than I was when I wrote my last journal. In fact, I dare say that I'm in a better place than I've been in quite some time. For some time now, I've been dealing with the crashing together of my online self and my IRL vision of who I thought I was. Essentially, I've been dealing with the realization that I had pretty much trapped a part of myself by subconsciously forcing myself to keep those two separate, Once I realized that, a ball started rolling that even I had no ability to stop.
Early on in this process, I did realize what was happening, but I had no idea how a) to go about fusing myself back together in the first place, nor b) who the hell I'd end up being at the end. In a tremendous fit of irony both have turned out to be more obvious than I ever imagined. What I failed to realize at that time was that this irrevocable change had already occurred at the very moment of that discovery, and that it was a matter of coming to terms with who I now was. Since then, it's taken me the better part of nine months and the help of many friends to teach me that I shouldn't be afraid of who I really am. They... you... asked me questions that I was afraid to ask and in some cases teased the everliving hell out of me, inspiring me to ask yet more about myself, often when no one else was watching. For someone as outgoing as I am, I can *astonishingly* shy when it comes down to it. As such, this next part is going to be *damned* awkward to admit.
So... who am I? I'm still a work in progress, as all of us are, but... I'm not lying to myself anymore.
I'm not straight, and honestly haven't ever been as far as I can remember. The best term I can think of is pansexual, or even 'gender-blind.' I care about *people*, not the particular physical traits they possess, below the belt or otherwise. That said, I can be, and usually am, physically attracted to those I care about, and I care about pretty much everyone I meet. I've said in the past that I don't make friends, only best friends, but the truth is that the connection runs far deeper than that. The truth is that I cut off my emotional and sexual side because of how strong it is. I was afraid I would scare everyone off, because I love everyone and everything living in a way I cannot even describe. Most of that time, that connection is completely platonic, translating into an extreme respect for and desire to preserve life and help anyone I can, but that is definitely not always the case. I am, in fact, a very sexual person, something that figures into the very core of my identity.
Some would describe me as gender-confused, up to and including myself as of two weeks ago. I am not. I'm just not what I appear to be, and now quite seriously consider myself to be transgendered. Unlike many, however, I do not hate my gender of origin. Rather, I find it incomplete. It was as much a shock to me as it is to anyone, but mentally, I am a hermaphrodite, bi-gender in the complete sense of the word. I don't begin to understand how this works, but when this finally clicked not two days ago, I was almost crying for joy, having found myself in a way I have never known. These poor words are horrifyingly insufficient to express what that means to me, but it may well be the single most important moment of my life. It's going to take me some time to process what that means in its entirety, but it's very clear that it figures into the paragraph before this one in a very profound way.
Lastly, a note about Zeta, my 'sona. Unlike a lot of furs, I will never have another. She is very special to me, because she is the truest form that I can possibly imagine for myself, in both mind and body. I created her as a concept approximately two years ago, striking off somewhat randomly as a dragoness for the first time ever. Somehow, as I went through a lot of this self-discovery, I was able to use her as sort of mental battery, placing parts of myself I couldn't yet deal with into her psyche. Slowly, as things have been clicking back into place, we've merged, and the process has left just me. That struggle is the reason I will never have another. She's no random character any longer... I'm me, and she's a part of that. (Really, she always was, and I was too blind to see it.)
I know full well this is not the end of this journey, but it's one hell of a start...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now for the disclaimers...
Please take this seriously, and if you have concerns, ask, either here or privately. I know that I've said a few things that will concern some of you, and I'd encourage you to ask rather than just WTF in silence. I would have told you sooner, but I didn't understand it myself, and sure as hell wasn't able to even partially articulate this. :/ (See previous journal's comment about needing to come with a warning label. :S)
Again, I'm refraining from specific shout-outs and such, but I think you all know who you are. I couldn't have done this without you.
P.S.: If any of this is even somewhat normal, feel free to chime in, as although I feel like I've made tremendous progress, I'm pretty sure that I'm *way* out there with some of these statements. :/
Mentally, I'm in a much better place than I was when I wrote my last journal. In fact, I dare say that I'm in a better place than I've been in quite some time. For some time now, I've been dealing with the crashing together of my online self and my IRL vision of who I thought I was. Essentially, I've been dealing with the realization that I had pretty much trapped a part of myself by subconsciously forcing myself to keep those two separate, Once I realized that, a ball started rolling that even I had no ability to stop.
Early on in this process, I did realize what was happening, but I had no idea how a) to go about fusing myself back together in the first place, nor b) who the hell I'd end up being at the end. In a tremendous fit of irony both have turned out to be more obvious than I ever imagined. What I failed to realize at that time was that this irrevocable change had already occurred at the very moment of that discovery, and that it was a matter of coming to terms with who I now was. Since then, it's taken me the better part of nine months and the help of many friends to teach me that I shouldn't be afraid of who I really am. They... you... asked me questions that I was afraid to ask and in some cases teased the everliving hell out of me, inspiring me to ask yet more about myself, often when no one else was watching. For someone as outgoing as I am, I can *astonishingly* shy when it comes down to it. As such, this next part is going to be *damned* awkward to admit.
So... who am I? I'm still a work in progress, as all of us are, but... I'm not lying to myself anymore.
I'm not straight, and honestly haven't ever been as far as I can remember. The best term I can think of is pansexual, or even 'gender-blind.' I care about *people*, not the particular physical traits they possess, below the belt or otherwise. That said, I can be, and usually am, physically attracted to those I care about, and I care about pretty much everyone I meet. I've said in the past that I don't make friends, only best friends, but the truth is that the connection runs far deeper than that. The truth is that I cut off my emotional and sexual side because of how strong it is. I was afraid I would scare everyone off, because I love everyone and everything living in a way I cannot even describe. Most of that time, that connection is completely platonic, translating into an extreme respect for and desire to preserve life and help anyone I can, but that is definitely not always the case. I am, in fact, a very sexual person, something that figures into the very core of my identity.
Some would describe me as gender-confused, up to and including myself as of two weeks ago. I am not. I'm just not what I appear to be, and now quite seriously consider myself to be transgendered. Unlike many, however, I do not hate my gender of origin. Rather, I find it incomplete. It was as much a shock to me as it is to anyone, but mentally, I am a hermaphrodite, bi-gender in the complete sense of the word. I don't begin to understand how this works, but when this finally clicked not two days ago, I was almost crying for joy, having found myself in a way I have never known. These poor words are horrifyingly insufficient to express what that means to me, but it may well be the single most important moment of my life. It's going to take me some time to process what that means in its entirety, but it's very clear that it figures into the paragraph before this one in a very profound way.
Lastly, a note about Zeta, my 'sona. Unlike a lot of furs, I will never have another. She is very special to me, because she is the truest form that I can possibly imagine for myself, in both mind and body. I created her as a concept approximately two years ago, striking off somewhat randomly as a dragoness for the first time ever. Somehow, as I went through a lot of this self-discovery, I was able to use her as sort of mental battery, placing parts of myself I couldn't yet deal with into her psyche. Slowly, as things have been clicking back into place, we've merged, and the process has left just me. That struggle is the reason I will never have another. She's no random character any longer... I'm me, and she's a part of that. (Really, she always was, and I was too blind to see it.)
I know full well this is not the end of this journey, but it's one hell of a start...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now for the disclaimers...
Please take this seriously, and if you have concerns, ask, either here or privately. I know that I've said a few things that will concern some of you, and I'd encourage you to ask rather than just WTF in silence. I would have told you sooner, but I didn't understand it myself, and sure as hell wasn't able to even partially articulate this. :/ (See previous journal's comment about needing to come with a warning label. :S)
Again, I'm refraining from specific shout-outs and such, but I think you all know who you are. I couldn't have done this without you.
P.S.: If any of this is even somewhat normal, feel free to chime in, as although I feel like I've made tremendous progress, I'm pretty sure that I'm *way* out there with some of these statements. :/
