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I have two topics tonight, and I'm not quite sure how I'm going to spin them together. I want to talk about compassion, but also about the year that is now past, and all the things that came with it. My "2013 Overload" post focused a bit on the "Oh hell, this was crazy" bits, but there was a lot of good there too. Due to that, and the fact that 2013 seemed to be overly hard on a lot of folks, I wanted to add at least some positive perspective on it.
Let's start with compassion. A lot of people will tell you that compassion is easy. I'm here to tell you that, sometimes, it is the hardest thing you can do. The reason is that you have to open yourself to the potential of being hurt, and in some cases, being hurt terribly, in order to help someone else. Often times, that window of vulnerability is small, hence the imagining that compassion is something easy, but more often than not, that difficulty level is a bit higher than we care to admit. And so we avoid conversations; we look sideways at people we'd rather not lay eyes on; and sometimes, we pretend, trying to fool ourselves that within our walls we are strong.
We are not. When we hide within those walls, we do it out of fear. We fear that our heart, our most secret and treasured self, could not contain or comprehend the chaos that is the world we live in. This is understandable, but it isn't enough. It isn't enough for the heart we hide inside, and it sure as hell isn't enough for everyone else, many of whom are holed up in their own castles, looking out at the no-man's land between as though it was the breadth of the Pacific ocean.
Compassion is *powerful*. In fact, I dare say that there is nothing more powerful than it, especially in its ultimate expression, love. Unlike anger or hate or intolerance, compassion isn't a "force", persay. It's more like water, ever flowing and eroding at the rough edges it encounters, and much like its physical analog, it's not something that you can really fight. It just is, and everything else has to find a way to live with it; because it isn't going away any time soon. This gives rise to its second quality... It doesn't just change the person on the receiving end. It changes the person who is giving too, because compassion always reflects back, even if only a little at first. You can't open yourself on any serious level and not change a little yourself in the process.
What am I thankful for in the year 2013? I'm thankful for compassion. I'm thankful for my friends who were there when I needed them, even if I wasn't always smart enough to ask. I'm thankful that I could be there for a few of them when they needed me, though I do wish I had been able to do more. 2013 may have been the worst year to date for a whole host of reasons, but it was also the best year for reasons as uncountable as the stars themselves. I found something really special, someone special to share that with, and though I don't know what the future holds, I sure as hell know that it's brighter than it used to be. I say that in spite of the fact that I'm still very much not entirely stable (a surprise to me too) as echoes of the past year are still haunting me at times. I say that in spite of the fact that the chaos and pain I see in the world around me causes me to twitch and lose focus and want to cry when I least expect it. I say it in spite of these things, because I've learned that I can make a difference, even if it's only a small one for now, and because I have hope that it may not always be as small as it is now.
2014... This is going to be different... I have never opened up to the level I now am, and honestly, I've no idea how I'm going to deal with the flood of emotional input and internal turmoil that's caused. While still working on being comfortable expressing my gender and sexual side, I'm dealing with continued financial and other stresses that make it a bit hard to relax and just (find and) be myself. On top of this, I'm also trying to write (something that means a great deal to me) and helping plan out the next year for AFC. I'm trying not to be too spread out again this year, but that's starting to look unfortunately familiar. :/
The good news is that I have support this year, and I'm going to try and lean on it a little more than I have in the past. To all of you who've been there: Thank you. And to all of those who will be there, thank you too. Let's see if we can't make this year better than the last one, better than all that have come before. Compassion is the key; you just have to be willing to open up yourself to see it.
Let's start with compassion. A lot of people will tell you that compassion is easy. I'm here to tell you that, sometimes, it is the hardest thing you can do. The reason is that you have to open yourself to the potential of being hurt, and in some cases, being hurt terribly, in order to help someone else. Often times, that window of vulnerability is small, hence the imagining that compassion is something easy, but more often than not, that difficulty level is a bit higher than we care to admit. And so we avoid conversations; we look sideways at people we'd rather not lay eyes on; and sometimes, we pretend, trying to fool ourselves that within our walls we are strong.
We are not. When we hide within those walls, we do it out of fear. We fear that our heart, our most secret and treasured self, could not contain or comprehend the chaos that is the world we live in. This is understandable, but it isn't enough. It isn't enough for the heart we hide inside, and it sure as hell isn't enough for everyone else, many of whom are holed up in their own castles, looking out at the no-man's land between as though it was the breadth of the Pacific ocean.
Compassion is *powerful*. In fact, I dare say that there is nothing more powerful than it, especially in its ultimate expression, love. Unlike anger or hate or intolerance, compassion isn't a "force", persay. It's more like water, ever flowing and eroding at the rough edges it encounters, and much like its physical analog, it's not something that you can really fight. It just is, and everything else has to find a way to live with it; because it isn't going away any time soon. This gives rise to its second quality... It doesn't just change the person on the receiving end. It changes the person who is giving too, because compassion always reflects back, even if only a little at first. You can't open yourself on any serious level and not change a little yourself in the process.
What am I thankful for in the year 2013? I'm thankful for compassion. I'm thankful for my friends who were there when I needed them, even if I wasn't always smart enough to ask. I'm thankful that I could be there for a few of them when they needed me, though I do wish I had been able to do more. 2013 may have been the worst year to date for a whole host of reasons, but it was also the best year for reasons as uncountable as the stars themselves. I found something really special, someone special to share that with, and though I don't know what the future holds, I sure as hell know that it's brighter than it used to be. I say that in spite of the fact that I'm still very much not entirely stable (a surprise to me too) as echoes of the past year are still haunting me at times. I say that in spite of the fact that the chaos and pain I see in the world around me causes me to twitch and lose focus and want to cry when I least expect it. I say it in spite of these things, because I've learned that I can make a difference, even if it's only a small one for now, and because I have hope that it may not always be as small as it is now.
2014... This is going to be different... I have never opened up to the level I now am, and honestly, I've no idea how I'm going to deal with the flood of emotional input and internal turmoil that's caused. While still working on being comfortable expressing my gender and sexual side, I'm dealing with continued financial and other stresses that make it a bit hard to relax and just (find and) be myself. On top of this, I'm also trying to write (something that means a great deal to me) and helping plan out the next year for AFC. I'm trying not to be too spread out again this year, but that's starting to look unfortunately familiar. :/
The good news is that I have support this year, and I'm going to try and lean on it a little more than I have in the past. To all of you who've been there: Thank you. And to all of those who will be there, thank you too. Let's see if we can't make this year better than the last one, better than all that have come before. Compassion is the key; you just have to be willing to open up yourself to see it.
