![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Making Progress
Feb. 20th, 2016 06:06 pmI've had a hell of a lot of depressing journals as of late, and since I'm having a really good day, I think it's probably important that I take a moment to be present with that and acknowledge the progress that I have made. Important too is acknowledging those of you who have helped me make it as far as I have.
----------------------------------------
I am lucky to be here at all. ...and I don't know how the hell I made it this far. The more I learn about where I'm at now, the more I can recognize that my brain has been genuinely trying to kill me for longer than I can even remember. The pain that shines through my journals isn't even the half of it, as I keep finding more and more every time I dig into another layer. And yeah... just like you'd expect, the deeper you delve, the darker it gets. And it's getting pretty dark. :S
I wrote on Twitter yesterday that, "I'm pretty sure anxiety has driven almost every major decision I have made in my life." And the more I think about it, the more devastatingly true that statement is. They're not *all* like that, but everything from schools to careers, and yes, even founding a convention was been driven first and foremost by anxiety. And I didn't even know it... I convinced myself my choices were driven by something else because I had no word for what I was experiencing. I have that word now, and it's good that I can see that, I guess... but it still hurts to even look. >.<
Quick note: I'm not suggesting that all the choices were bad ones, just that the reasoning I convinced myself to believe was not the actual reason. Some ended up working out very well, but it still hurts to know how crippled those choices really were.
With that recognition comes an added burden, which is just straight-up not knowing how to function without anxiety as a primary driver. No, it's not gone (or even more than dented), but trying to wrap my mind around the concept of making choices without that pressure is like asking my to draw a 5-dimensional object. It's frighteningly complex, and very, very alien.
And so we come to a request... If you're a friend to me, and you see anxiety driving something I'm doing, can you try to tell me? I know that's asking a lot, especially since I have a suspicion that I'm not going to end up handling that that well... but I could really use the help. >.< It's not an exaggeration to say that if anxiety is making the decision, I am not.
----------------------------------------
Back to progress...
How to describe this... Though it's still marginal, anxiety eating the vast majority of my mental energy, I *have* been having more safe time than ever before. Gentle evenings spent with Dakota have done their part, as have dinners with friends (Goldkin) and other loved ones (Solei). Even some silly mid-rain car maintenance had its part this week, and I am thankful for all of it. <3 So many amazing moments together have made this week a wonder in my eyes, and I am so damned lucky to have all of you.
Really quick, though, I have to highlight one thing this week that led up to today, though. He's a little red and gold dragon that now shares my bed. His tag says 'Legend', and the little runt looks adorably grumpy from one angle, and really happy from another. (No wonder cats and dragons seem related! XD) Safety tokens have great importance to me, as I have so few of them... and that one really meant a lot. Thank you, Solei.
So what have I learned from all of this?
I'm learning is that my default state, sans anxiety, is love. And I *could* *not* be happier with that answer. <3 It is an answer I have dreamed of my entire life, a nightmare and a hope that I could not bear... I can now. Because I am no longer alone... and never will be again.
And so this morning... I put my collar on. For the first time since December I am whole again. So powerful was that moment that it felt as though the leather had bonded with my skin... and in that heartbeat, I felt scales.
My name is Zeta Syanthis, and I come back to you now... at the turn of the tide.
----------------------------------------
I am lucky to be here at all. ...and I don't know how the hell I made it this far. The more I learn about where I'm at now, the more I can recognize that my brain has been genuinely trying to kill me for longer than I can even remember. The pain that shines through my journals isn't even the half of it, as I keep finding more and more every time I dig into another layer. And yeah... just like you'd expect, the deeper you delve, the darker it gets. And it's getting pretty dark. :S
I wrote on Twitter yesterday that, "I'm pretty sure anxiety has driven almost every major decision I have made in my life." And the more I think about it, the more devastatingly true that statement is. They're not *all* like that, but everything from schools to careers, and yes, even founding a convention was been driven first and foremost by anxiety. And I didn't even know it... I convinced myself my choices were driven by something else because I had no word for what I was experiencing. I have that word now, and it's good that I can see that, I guess... but it still hurts to even look. >.<
Quick note: I'm not suggesting that all the choices were bad ones, just that the reasoning I convinced myself to believe was not the actual reason. Some ended up working out very well, but it still hurts to know how crippled those choices really were.
With that recognition comes an added burden, which is just straight-up not knowing how to function without anxiety as a primary driver. No, it's not gone (or even more than dented), but trying to wrap my mind around the concept of making choices without that pressure is like asking my to draw a 5-dimensional object. It's frighteningly complex, and very, very alien.
And so we come to a request... If you're a friend to me, and you see anxiety driving something I'm doing, can you try to tell me? I know that's asking a lot, especially since I have a suspicion that I'm not going to end up handling that that well... but I could really use the help. >.< It's not an exaggeration to say that if anxiety is making the decision, I am not.
----------------------------------------
Back to progress...
How to describe this... Though it's still marginal, anxiety eating the vast majority of my mental energy, I *have* been having more safe time than ever before. Gentle evenings spent with Dakota have done their part, as have dinners with friends (Goldkin) and other loved ones (Solei). Even some silly mid-rain car maintenance had its part this week, and I am thankful for all of it. <3 So many amazing moments together have made this week a wonder in my eyes, and I am so damned lucky to have all of you.
Really quick, though, I have to highlight one thing this week that led up to today, though. He's a little red and gold dragon that now shares my bed. His tag says 'Legend', and the little runt looks adorably grumpy from one angle, and really happy from another. (No wonder cats and dragons seem related! XD) Safety tokens have great importance to me, as I have so few of them... and that one really meant a lot. Thank you, Solei.
So what have I learned from all of this?
I'm learning is that my default state, sans anxiety, is love. And I *could* *not* be happier with that answer. <3 It is an answer I have dreamed of my entire life, a nightmare and a hope that I could not bear... I can now. Because I am no longer alone... and never will be again.
And so this morning... I put my collar on. For the first time since December I am whole again. So powerful was that moment that it felt as though the leather had bonded with my skin... and in that heartbeat, I felt scales.
My name is Zeta Syanthis, and I come back to you now... at the turn of the tide.
