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This is a blog about a terrible, horrible, no-good idea that I recently saw on Youtube, and why it's so unsafe when you might think otherwise.
 
The tl;dr is this: LOW VOLTAGES ARE NOT SAFE IF AN INDUCTOR (a coil of wire) and HIGH CURRENT IS INVOLVED.
 
Here's the video. It looks cool (though you'll probably cringe at the lack of gloves), but it's one of the most dangerous things I've ever seen online, and I know way too many people are going to try and replicate it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6aNm3qWkW8A
 
See, I know a thing or two about inductors and low voltages. I'm an electrical engineer, and I happen to have taken quite a few classes on these sorts of things. The thing they teach you when it comes to inductors is that /they don't like the current through them to suddenly stop/. Much like capacitors, they store energy, but in the magnetic field of a coil rather than between two plates.
 
If we have a setup like the one in the video above, with an output of 2V at around ~900A, you could safely touch those contacts, assuming nothing else was bridging them. I definitely wouldn't, in case anything goes wrong (insulation issue, etc), but you probably could. Here's why: Human body resistance is usually in excess of 10kOhm hand to hand, meaning the most current you're likely to see pass through you is less than 200 microamps. It'll take about 70mA, or 350 times that amount, to stop your heart. (Note that this also assumes your hands are dry, not covered in lotion, etc... Bare hands only.)
 
Now, 200 microamps is pretty low, so the magnetic field in the secondary (the big thick wire) of the transformer will be pretty small. There won't be a lot of energy stored there that can discharge into something. 900 Amps? Oh boy are you in for some fun.
 
Here's some quick math I put together based on what I saw in the video. I'm assuming a 1 meter length of wire, which I read off the insulation is 2/0 AWG. There are two complete turns when the current is flowing.
 
Inductance of that secondary loop is calculated as follows:
 
L = u0 * N^2 * A / l
L = 4* π * 10-7 * 2 ^ 2 * 0.785398163 / 1
L = 0.00003947841
L = 34.478 microhenries
 
Okay, let's calculate the energy stored in the coil in joules in the case of 200 uA, and 900 A.
 
E = 1/2 * L * I^2
 
200 uA: E = 0.5 * 0.00003947841 * 0.0002 ^ 2 = 7.895682e-13 Joules
900 A:  E = 0.5 * 0.00003947841 * 900 ^ 2 = 15.98875605 Joules
 
That is a WHOPPING FOURTEEN ORDERS OF MAGNITUDE higher, and represents a massive amount of energy available to be discharged into anything that gets in the way!
 
Now, the voltage spike created by tiny connection and disconnection events at the contacts, which you see as sparks is due to EMF (electro-motive force). That's calculated by:
 
emf = L * di/dt, where di/dt is how fast the current is changing over time. Let's try cutting our current from 900A to the 200 uA that can flow through the human body normally in 1 microsecond.
 
emf = 0.00003947841 * (900 - 0.0002) / 0.0000001 = 355305 VOLTS
 
Holy crap, you say! That's a lot of volts, you say! Yeah, I say, it is! It's a lot of lot of volts! It's the reason you're seeing spikes in the first place, as that voltage is ionizing the AIR so current can flow, and it's WAY more than enough to burn a path through the dead skin cells on your hands (the primary reason humans have such high resistance) and create a path straight through your watery insides! What's that you say? We have built in electrical conduits called nerves? Oh! That's not going to end well, is it?
 
No, no it's not! And it didn't for me back in highschool when I almost fucking /killed/ myself. I was messing around with a 12V motorcycle battery and a 2A automotive solenoid when I accidentally triggered a mechanism that caused repeated current cycling. I can't even fucking tell you how much that hurt, and I'm pretty sure I *still* have permanent electrical scars in my back.
 
In summary: NO. ALL OF THE NO. NO NO NO NO.
 
Equation sources: http://www.electronics-tutorials.ws/inductor/inductance.html
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I've had a hell of a lot of depressing journals as of late, and since I'm having a really good day, I think it's probably important that I take a moment to be present with that and acknowledge the progress that I have made. Important too is acknowledging those of you who have helped me make it as far as I have.

----------------------------------------

I am lucky to be here at all. ...and I don't know how the hell I made it this far. The more I learn about where I'm at now, the more I can recognize that my brain has been genuinely trying to kill me for longer than I can even remember. The pain that shines through my journals isn't even the half of it, as I keep finding more and more every time I dig into another layer. And yeah... just like you'd expect, the deeper you delve, the darker it gets. And it's getting pretty dark. :S

I wrote on Twitter yesterday that, "I'm pretty sure anxiety has driven almost every major decision I have made in my life." And the more I think about it, the more devastatingly true that statement is. They're not *all* like that, but everything from schools to careers, and yes, even founding a convention was been driven first and foremost by anxiety. And I didn't even know it... I convinced myself my choices were driven by something else because I had no word for what I was experiencing. I have that word now, and it's good that I can see that, I guess... but it still hurts to even look. >.<

Quick note: I'm not suggesting that all the choices were bad ones, just that the reasoning I convinced myself to believe was not the actual reason. Some ended up working out very well, but it still hurts to know how crippled those choices really were.

With that recognition comes an added burden, which is just straight-up not knowing how to function without anxiety as a primary driver. No, it's not gone (or even more than dented), but trying to wrap my mind around the concept of making choices without that pressure is like asking my to draw a 5-dimensional object. It's frighteningly complex, and very, very alien.

And so we come to a request... If you're a friend to me, and you see anxiety driving something I'm doing, can you try to tell me? I know that's asking a lot, especially since I have a suspicion that I'm not going to end up handling that that well... but I could really use the help. >.< It's not an exaggeration to say that if anxiety is making the decision, I am not.

----------------------------------------

Back to progress...

How to describe this... Though it's still marginal, anxiety eating the vast majority of my mental energy, I *have* been having more safe time than ever before. Gentle evenings spent with Dakota have done their part, as have dinners with friends (Goldkin) and other loved ones (Solei). Even some silly mid-rain car maintenance had its part this week, and I am thankful for all of it. <3 So many amazing moments together have made this week a wonder in my eyes, and I am so damned lucky to have all of you.

Really quick, though, I have to highlight one thing this week that led up to today, though. He's a little red and gold dragon that now shares my bed. His tag says 'Legend', and the little runt looks adorably grumpy from one angle, and really happy from another. (No wonder cats and dragons seem related! XD) Safety tokens have great importance to me, as I have so few of them... and that one really meant a lot. Thank you, Solei.

So what have I learned from all of this?

I'm learning is that my default state, sans anxiety, is love. And I *could* *not* be happier with that answer. <3 It is an answer I have dreamed of my entire life, a nightmare and a hope that I could not bear... I can now. Because I am no longer alone... and never will be again.

And so this morning... I put my collar on. For the first time since December I am whole again. So powerful was that moment that it felt as though the leather had bonded with my skin... and in that heartbeat, I felt scales.

My name is Zeta Syanthis, and I come back to you now... at the turn of the tide.

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Zeta Syanthis

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