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As is usual, I don't know exactly where this post is going to go, but I'm going to write it down anyways. I *think* this is going to be a shorter post, but that's what I told myself about the last one... O.o [Edit: Haha, fat chance! :P]
Since my last, and likely very confusing journal, I've been thinking quite a lot. Bringing up deep questions about your identity inevitably leads to questions about what you want to do, who you want to be, and why. (How figures in later, only after you can start to answer those initial questions.) Let's start there.
I am happy to be me. More than a year ago, I wrote up my first ever bio on FA, which included the words "I now revel in my strangeness and that of those around me." If you've followed my story in the last few posts, you'll know that despite the fact that I may have written that a while back, it's been very much a work in progress. It's tough to know others without letting your barriers drop, and its even harder to know yourself. That said, I think I have finally made peace with mine. Last night, as that final barrier broke, I genuinely cried for the first time in years. It's... tough to explain what exactly caused it, between the mental place I was in at the time, the story I was reading, and the connections to my own life, but I am very grateful for it, and for you, my friends.
Anyone who's encountered me has likely been aware that I've been somewhat out-of-sorts for the past few months, almost wandering around dazed at times. I'm not quite through that yet, but some of the haze is clearing; I'm waking up. I've admitted things to myself that have terrified me, and the repercussions on my mental state have not always been the most immediately positive. Between that, and some of my recent discoveries on side projects (AI-related things), I've probably come across as reasonably bi-polar. Thankfully, I'm not; I've just been hit with rushes of positive and negative from a bunch of different angles all at once, and I've been trying to get a handle on that. I'm still not quite 100%, but I am improving, thanks to you guys.
Who do I want to be? That one is oddly easy. I'm happy to be me, and I wouldn't want to be anyone else. I perhaps wouldn't mind entertaining the idea of actually being a dragon, but that's not really what this question is about. :)
What do I want to do? ... ... This one's the hard one.
I want to help.
I have what I believe to be a rare gift. I see people and things not as they are, but as they could one day be. I see them as their secret selves that, sometimes, even they don't know they are. What I want is to help them see that too. This isn't a spiritual thing, or a mission of any kind, just a statement of possibilities. When people learn what they are capable of, it changes them and their outlook on life completely, and in my own humble opinion (I'm still in the process of understanding this myself.) it is the single most amazing gift that can ever be given.
There are those who understand this, those who understand the power of empathy, kindness, and compassion. And though there are many more who do not, we are a growing number. We are also stronger than even we know. Trapped in a world that seems to endure endless cycles of violence, with leaders who posture and engage in diplomacy with force of arms, we are often lost as to what to do. (I am no fool to think that force is never necessary, but its careless application easily costs more lives than it ever saves.) The news as of late seems to be worse and worse, in every corner of the globe. In a lot of places, things are falling apart, and hard times are upon us. I cannot claim any special knowledge of how to fix this, how to save what must be preserved, or how to live peaceably with neighbors who have hated and killed for generations, but I know one thing. We have to try. And we have to start, somehow.
In the very near future, I will be launching a new project. It's going to start as a basic wiki, just a few threadbare pages with thoughts, connections, and a bit of hope. The name of this project is Keyspace, after the solution space described by cryptographic problems. Its task will be to start mapping the world, but not in any traditional sense. Keyspace's goal is to find problems, link them, and dig down until their roots can be extricated. In so doing, it will provide a platform for ideas, thoughts about what makes us who we are. A lot of the problems in our world today stem from questions of identity, of 'otherness', and I think we might just have a chance to start putting things together. Anyone will be welcome to join, to create, and to help if they so chose. Even simple feedback will be appreciated, from "Hah, this'll never work!" to "Hey, what about X?" I'll be the first one to admit that we may not succeed, that nothing may change at all, but taking a chance to think just a little bit sideways is a wonderfully dangerous thing. ;)
"Our thoughts form the universe. They always matter."
Since my last, and likely very confusing journal, I've been thinking quite a lot. Bringing up deep questions about your identity inevitably leads to questions about what you want to do, who you want to be, and why. (How figures in later, only after you can start to answer those initial questions.) Let's start there.
I am happy to be me. More than a year ago, I wrote up my first ever bio on FA, which included the words "I now revel in my strangeness and that of those around me." If you've followed my story in the last few posts, you'll know that despite the fact that I may have written that a while back, it's been very much a work in progress. It's tough to know others without letting your barriers drop, and its even harder to know yourself. That said, I think I have finally made peace with mine. Last night, as that final barrier broke, I genuinely cried for the first time in years. It's... tough to explain what exactly caused it, between the mental place I was in at the time, the story I was reading, and the connections to my own life, but I am very grateful for it, and for you, my friends.
Anyone who's encountered me has likely been aware that I've been somewhat out-of-sorts for the past few months, almost wandering around dazed at times. I'm not quite through that yet, but some of the haze is clearing; I'm waking up. I've admitted things to myself that have terrified me, and the repercussions on my mental state have not always been the most immediately positive. Between that, and some of my recent discoveries on side projects (AI-related things), I've probably come across as reasonably bi-polar. Thankfully, I'm not; I've just been hit with rushes of positive and negative from a bunch of different angles all at once, and I've been trying to get a handle on that. I'm still not quite 100%, but I am improving, thanks to you guys.
Who do I want to be? That one is oddly easy. I'm happy to be me, and I wouldn't want to be anyone else. I perhaps wouldn't mind entertaining the idea of actually being a dragon, but that's not really what this question is about. :)
What do I want to do? ... ... This one's the hard one.
I want to help.
I have what I believe to be a rare gift. I see people and things not as they are, but as they could one day be. I see them as their secret selves that, sometimes, even they don't know they are. What I want is to help them see that too. This isn't a spiritual thing, or a mission of any kind, just a statement of possibilities. When people learn what they are capable of, it changes them and their outlook on life completely, and in my own humble opinion (I'm still in the process of understanding this myself.) it is the single most amazing gift that can ever be given.
There are those who understand this, those who understand the power of empathy, kindness, and compassion. And though there are many more who do not, we are a growing number. We are also stronger than even we know. Trapped in a world that seems to endure endless cycles of violence, with leaders who posture and engage in diplomacy with force of arms, we are often lost as to what to do. (I am no fool to think that force is never necessary, but its careless application easily costs more lives than it ever saves.) The news as of late seems to be worse and worse, in every corner of the globe. In a lot of places, things are falling apart, and hard times are upon us. I cannot claim any special knowledge of how to fix this, how to save what must be preserved, or how to live peaceably with neighbors who have hated and killed for generations, but I know one thing. We have to try. And we have to start, somehow.
In the very near future, I will be launching a new project. It's going to start as a basic wiki, just a few threadbare pages with thoughts, connections, and a bit of hope. The name of this project is Keyspace, after the solution space described by cryptographic problems. Its task will be to start mapping the world, but not in any traditional sense. Keyspace's goal is to find problems, link them, and dig down until their roots can be extricated. In so doing, it will provide a platform for ideas, thoughts about what makes us who we are. A lot of the problems in our world today stem from questions of identity, of 'otherness', and I think we might just have a chance to start putting things together. Anyone will be welcome to join, to create, and to help if they so chose. Even simple feedback will be appreciated, from "Hah, this'll never work!" to "Hey, what about X?" I'll be the first one to admit that we may not succeed, that nothing may change at all, but taking a chance to think just a little bit sideways is a wonderfully dangerous thing. ;)
"Our thoughts form the universe. They always matter."
